Conversations With A Lunatic

I don't think this blog is the place for gossip about other people. That is why this story is completely 100% fictional. Like climate change, or the Dalai Lama.


There once was a man named .... Ashbey? ..... Bashley? ..... Bashley... his name was Bashley.


Bashley worked in a dull factory putting pillows and duvets into bags. Bashley found this job a complete bore and so distracted himself by striking up conversations with a fellow employee named... Barry.


Barry was a marine biologist with an awesome beard and a super popular blog (that Bashley didn't know about) who was merely working at the factory because he was too cool to do anything else, rather than walking the fine desperate line of poverty and un-fulfillment that Bashley would have suspected if he were not a complete lunatic.


Bashley was a complete lunatic.


Barry was thankful for this fact. These conversations were one of the only things that made this job entertaining. It's the same reason that Jeremy Kyle is so popular. People can hear the issues, conversations and bizarre attempts at sentence structure made by the type of people who appear here, and suddenly feel far superior and content that at-least they are not unhinged to this degree.


As Barry soaked in these conversations and tried desperately to understand some sort of pattern to the subjects being raised. He thought to himself that a list of quotes from such an individual may be just the sort of thing that deserves a place on his blog....


Fictional Barry's fictional blog was full of gossip and nonsense so this was entirely appropriate.


Barry constructed the list over many months. He finally published the quotes under the title "Conversations With A Lunatic" which he thought may get him into trouble but had planned for this by changing the names of those involved to Shlashley and Shlarry.... so no-one would ever know.


Barry's list can be viewed below:


1. "I'm looking at a new flat Shlarry. Ive got to save up a 10% deposit though"
    "Well how much is that Shlashley?"
    "The flat is £80,000. So I need about £3000-4000 right?"


2. "So I went on holiday this one time by myself with some mates...."


3. "Shlarry..."
    "yes?"
    "What is your take on Hurricane Katrina?"
    "...... What?...."
    "I mean who do you think did it?"
    [some time and fruitless explanation later]
    "Shlarry you can't tell me that a hurricane just so happened to hit a city full of black people"


4. "Shlarry what is your take on Aliens"
                                                    Hitler
                                                    Money
                                                    Animals (!?)
                                                    Jesus
                                                    ISIS
                                                    Air (!?)
                                                    Loch Ness Monster/ Bigfoot/ 'that thing in Spain what sucks goats                                                         dead'


5. "I'm goin' on a diet, there's this guy right, who says that you shouldn't eat any acid foods, that's what got all our modern bodies messed up! You get me?"
"So what do you have to eat?"
"Natural things! Back to nature! like fruits and stuff"


6. "You don't have to correct me all the time Shlarry, you know I'm not the brightest star in the ocean"


7. "You know when a woman goes to the doctor to see how much her baby has dilated...."

8. "Why would someone have sex with an animal Shlarry? Tell me"
    "What..... where is this coming from?"
    "Well they found this woman with wings the other day, so some crazy fucker out there must have been having sex with birds"
    "I ..... I don't even.... there's so much wrong here"

Scratch that. This is probably death approaching

I'm just trying to be healthy!!!


Remember how I posted the coffee scale and I was all like 'oh hey guys let's go drink a fuck tonne of coffee and get super buzzed until we can stop time and spit coffee grains from our ears!' Well, as totally harmless as all that sounded I have recently had a growing suspicion that my intake of caffeine may be at an unhealthy level.


The clues that pointed towards this included about as many trips to the toilet a day as Craig Charles has pictures drawn of him, as long as Craig Charles has a number of pictures drawn of him per day equal to about five times the average number of toilet trips per day (which he probably does). And whilst I do love going to the toilet of-course, it is the only sanctuary where I can draw up dastardly plans, this was growing tiresome.


What made me rather more concerned was my chest. I had a routine medical at my work, and the medical lady seemed confused when reading my heart rate. The sort of confusion where she may be wondering whether she had just monitored a human heart, or a PlayStation rumble pad (gamer audience outreach! BOOM).


She took a urine sample (which I could easily oblige) as she assumed I was on seventeen varieties of speed.


When it showed up clear she asked me if I had had any energy drinks that day.


I said "No. Just some coffee"


She asked how much coffee.


I said "......a lot?"


She asked how much that was.


"..... 7 cups?...."


"seven?"


"they're also big cups"


(I own a pint coffee mug that I got for free from somewhere. Real men drink everything in pints)


My answers cleared her suspicion that I was a speed addict, but her concern convinced me that I should at-least attempt to see what life would be like without caffeine. Which brings us to now.


I haven't had caffeine for three days and I think I am dying.


For anyone who thinks that caffeine is not addictive, I HATE YOU AND I WILL HUNT YOU WITH DOGS!..... ok I didn't mean that but you are most definitely mistaken. I can also confirm that there is a small possibility that I am one of the addicts.


I woke up on the first day without coffee with a crippling headache. I usually have headaches in the morning and it is usually a cup of coffee that makes them go away... it's astonishing I didn't connect the dots earlier.


My determination was strong to begin with, and I didn't let my crippling headache phase me for at least the first three hours. Thankfully after that time I had to go to work for eight hours, where I could do tedious repetitive manual tasks that require minimal brain function and, more importantly, have my access to coffee completely restricted.


It was in a headache daze, my body not understanding how a wake/sleep cycle functions without caffeine, that I survived my first two days.


I hadn't realized just how many different aspects of your body caffeine affects. Come the third day however, I noticed that it was not just my brain that was suffering.


I went to work on the third day and suddenly realized that my monotonous job of wrapping and moving many things had become infinitely more difficult. Every muscle and limb on my body felt as though it was now comprised primarily of concrete, and as concrete is rather heavy, this made every attempt at movement incredibly tiring. I spent the day shuffling around and leaning on things. It was too tiring to lift my feet as I move like normal coffee drinking people do. I'm not sure how I survived, eight hours is a long time to work anyway, but time in my caffeine zombie world had slowed considerably.


It is day four now. I know I said it was day three but I started writing this post and then got tired and shuffled off.


I don't know when this will end. I have read some discussions on caffeine withdrawal and people say it can take weeks! Weeks!


I don't know if I enough energy to keep shuffling to the fridge to sustain myself for weeks.


It's day five now... you see that up there. those three sentences between 'day four' and here... that's all I could be arsed to do yesterday. I'm not a terribly productive person when I'm not dying, but at this rate this may be the end of my blog and the majority of my bodily functions.


I'm rambling now. I would think of a good end to this but I'm too tired. I will write one if/when I survive and return to full mental capacity. It will probably have Craig Charles in it but I can't see how he is relevant right now.

That is all

Harry