I bought a car. I haven't driven since I passed my test... which was over two years ago. So my time on the road has been spent visibly shaking with the sort of expression you would expect to find on someone who has managed to blag his way into playing for Chelsea F.C. (for american audience .... the New York.... Lions.... or whatever..... some successful sports team) and whilst thrilled to be taking part, knows that soon enough he will be found out, set upon by angry hordes, and killed, and then shamed.
The car is from that brief period of about three weeks when humanity considered that cassettes and VHS tapes were equally as valuable as CDs and DVDs. Leading enterprising individuals to develop gigantic combi-boxes that could play both as well as fulfilling their final role, after quickly being unplugged, as footstools and coffee tables.
In more important bloggy news, holy shit on a biscuit I hit 1000 views last week!
This made me feel two things.
Firstly it made me realize how awesome you anonymous readers are. As the least regular blogger I know, with content of questionable quality and irregular themes, I am incredibly shocked and flattered that anyone would find my blog amusing enough to stick with it for the last nine months.
However it also made me realize that you guys ( bear with me on this ) are not being my audience very well.
DON'T LEAVE! I'M JUST TRYING TO HELP YOU LIKE ME BETTER!
Ok ok I will explain my disappointment in you here... I know this must be hard to take.
After 1000 views, I don't know who any of you are. As I made this blog to share my goofy thoughts with people and offset my monotonous life with fun new internet friends, it's kind of unrewarding to do when you receive no feedback.
It's as though I am writing my blog and leaving it on peoples doorstep. I know some people are reading it because the blog disappears from those doorsteps. But what is happening? Are people taking the blog inside and sharing it with friends and family? Are they playing a game of Shark with their friends? Are they laughing at the thought of Craig Charles (any thought of Craig Charles)? Or does the blog simply get taken in with all the other spam, sneered at and binned.
But I have realized... that it was obvious that this would happen! You didn't know what I wanted! I haven't taken the time to cater to your needs and explain in simplistic steps how to be awesome supporters of this blog.
So here goes..... don't leave.....
STEP 1! : Comment.
I assume that the lack of comments is because none of you have enjoyed any of my posts enough to read it all the way to the end and notice a comments section at the bottom.
Rest assured they are there. Scroll down. Now scroll back up... that doesn't work I know. But after you got lost in that barren wilderness down there I assume you scrolled back up anyway.
You know that barren wilderness.... the one devoid of life and hope.... the one I told you to scroll down to fifty words ago. That was the comments section. That is what I have to look at.
YOU DON'T EVEN HAVE TO READ MY POSTS! Frankly that is secondary to commenting on them.
Helpful comment topic suggestions! : How was your day? Did you like the bit about the thing? what is Danger Music Helps a reference to? (picture for whoever knows) Where did Sarah Michelle Geller go? This ISIS thing is scary huh? (relevant March 2015)
STEP 2! : Facebook.
If you are approaching this post through the blogs Facebook page, please advance to step 3. This does not excuse you from step 1.
This blog has a Facebook page.
Yesterday the likes count was 189.....
I recommend that anyone committing to 'liking' this page be willing to stick with it for the long haul. Read through a few posts and judge whether you like the content, I am aware that its difficult to gauge what theme this blog actually is. Especially if you have read as far as this.... some sort of aggressive instruction manual seems to be the best description. But there are better bits, remember that bit at the beginning about the car? That was light humorous stuff wasn't it?
The next post will be entitled 'A Crispy Duck' if that clarifies this blogs place in internetland any better.
To the person who left. What was it exactly that caused you to lose faith in this blog? Was it the sudden obsession with Craig Charles? "Oh well it was funny when he randomly mentioned him the first time but taking 2 hours out of his day to draw a vague resemblance of Craig Charles' face is just distasteful..... unlike". Or was it my genuine concern for my own health and metabolism that you didn't buy into? Perhaps you thought that there was no longer any value in following a blogger who is pre-occupied with dying.
...
Fuck you (I assume they won't read that, but I will find them)
STEP 3! : Follow
Followers give me internet cred. All those other bloggers that you should be reading instead of me, have followers. And they all give me hate mail and shtick about how unsuccessful and lonely I am. They're all bastards really.... it's a cutthroat world here on blogger.
With followers behind me I can ride to the top of this blog tower on top of a flaming Ox that carries the visage of myself! And be happy and popular and buy ice-cream for everyone.... except that one person who left.... fuck you.
To follow this blog you can enter your email address at the top right of this page. I will then be able to forwards all of my car insurance and pornography spam to you.
Following these simple steps will take you from the mediocre readers you are now to the awesomer(er?) readers that I know you can all be!
So..... yeah..... bye and stuff
