Coaster Comics 5! : Thrush!

Recent news has brought me to realize that this blog is far more influential than I had assumed. Apparently such great institutions as the BBC and/or Craig Charles (yes he is an institution) appear to take my ideas very seriously.

You may recall (or not so here's the link ) a very formal letter I wrote to Craig Charles a while back in which I raised well thought out arguments about why his time would be much better spent bringing back Robot Wars and wearing leather tussled jackets than being a miserable version of himself on Coronation Street. 

For any foreign readers who don't know what Coronation Street is. Its like those happy go lucky 'Jersey shore' shows except you remove anything that any of the characters would ever have to be happy about... like money, health, stable relationships or not being murdered.

Well ... It would appear that my wording is in fact so professional and my analysis of Craig Charles career path and future choices so well researched... that ROBOT WARS IS COMING BACK!

.... without Craig Charles...

Which , ofcourse, either means that the BBC read my blog and had better ideas for a host (you're welcome BBC), or that Craig Charles read this, went to the BBC and was all like:

"Craig Charles gave you comedy

Craig Charles brought you snores

But you aint seen nothin'

Till he's back on Robot Wars"

And the BBC executives were all like:

"Who the fuck is Craig Charles?"

Well fair play to you Craig. Strange selling pitch though... I wouldn't have led with the rhyming...

Now ofcourse the BBC will try to pay me greatly for my bright ideas. But rest assured fan-base, I won't be accepting a penny of it! I refuse to have my creative juices diluted with liquid money.

And now to finish with completely unconnected, long awaited, Coaster Comics!

Here is a picture of a man training.

And here is a helpful comic about sexual health

For effective treatment against Thrushes, use new Canesten Cream. Canesten Cream starts working immediately and its active ingredient will drown the fuck out of any pesky Thrushes that may be camping out on your body.

So if you have a Thrush...

The only rush... that you should be in...

Is to pick up some Canesten Creeeeeeeeeam!!!!

"Canesten, it kills Thrush(es)"

P.S. Canesten please sponsor me I am poor

Finish That Shit! Part 1

NEW SERIES INTRO! (Become appropriately aroused)


Because of my lack of time I have come up with an ingenious plan that I jotted down as 'Just make them read your old stuff'. So here goes...


I have written many posts for this blog. Some of which are remembered well.... by me... presumably not by you... and some of which are not even well remembered by myself.


But what I am doing here, with a brand new series!, is manipulating you... the reader who doesn't read my blog.... to go back and read those posts that you haven't read yet for the following reasons.


1. It will be like reading a whole new post from me! Without me actually having to do any work.


2. This new series is going to relate entirely to unsuccessful posts... so if you don't read them... you have no idea what I am talking about.


So this series takes a look at some of my older posts that clearly were supposed to be continued but then ... for various reasons all of which are different ways of me saying "Well that was shit lets move on" ... were not... and quickly wraps them up.


I realize the irony that this itself... is a terrible idea for a series.... and will most likely not be continued.


INTRO OVER!


EPISODE 1! (Please try to recover your lost arousal)


This blog has been responsible for many love-able and quirky fictional characters over the year (and a bit) that you have been hooked on reading it.


However one character stands out above the rest as being clearly awesome and adored by all of you.





(Oomf.. Its like I've created a new genre of porn)


Craig Charles may be my greatest creation. I think, if I look deep inside myself, his character is merely a reflection of me. Perhaps, in my own way, I am Craig Charles... and maybe a piece of Craig Charles could be in you too.


BUT


This episode is not about Craig Charles, that character has plenty more material. No this episode is about the other mainstay of this blog... This guy:





Lets take a time travelling trip back to when he had an origin story. Yeah that's right, an origin story, like Batman... or Jesus.


Ted vs Blob Saga


(You may be wondering where I found this gem. Well. What you have to do is scroll down the right hand side of my blog page and you will find dates that reveal the titles of all of my old posts. Whilst you may appreciate that I keep a record of what all of my old posts were called it's actually even more useful than that! With the tiniest flick of your dedicated clicking finger you can touch these titles! Like a cat or a priest touches its victim before injecting it with venom (Nat-Geo 2016). The title will then transport you on an epic adventure across cyberspace, visiting great lost cities and battling dragons made of pop-ups! Only to be brought back here... to your comfy chair... looking at that title displayed on my blog... and a feeling lost somewhere between achievement and regret.)


This was my fourth ever post and, despite the hindsight of my obvious forthcoming success, to start something labelled a 'saga' was ambitious.


Now here's the only paragraph that actually contributes anything to this series:


Why Is It Shit?
This all really boils down to why I wrote this in the first place. I knew at the time that I needed a character to represent myself that was easier to draw than a person.
     The origin story is true, I really was a bizarre doodling child, much like today only more defend-able. However it is merely a framework so that I can go
"HEY GUYS! REMEMBER THAT GUY!?.... YEAH!?.... I'M THAT GUY NOW!.... Kay bye...."
The planned sequel was going to be to introduce my brothers character. Essentially when my schoolmates stopped participating in strange doodling in class because "you're weird and we are not your friends" or some shit I moved on to getting my brother involved... Yeah I know, picked up no hints there... because I was older and therefore my pass-times were cool. My brother being about 9 years old, and not particularly gifted artistically, created some sort of strange blob character... called a blob... and it looked like a blob.... and it was a blob.... and had it existed people would list no features of it other than its blobbyness and strange smiley face... and I was both disappointed at his lack of commitment to the process and relieved that his character was comparatively shit.


And that... that paragraph.. would have been it. The grand saga concluded just so that I can introduce a character or two. It would be like the first Lord of the Rings movie if it just ended when they decide to make an Avengers team to take the ring.... and then there were no more movies... the end.
Nobody likes the set up for a story, we are all just waiting for a big pay-off ending. Its like I had made a really nice biscuit base for a cheesecake and served you that. No-one gives a fuck about a biscuit base! If the cream cheese topping could support itself then we would all just shovel that into our faces!


(The cream cheese represents a progression of a story-line, remember that next time you eat a cheesecake)


I've run out of similes now.


And that's why I didn't!..... (Say it with me now!)....


FINISH THAT SHIT!


to be continued...

End Of Year Update!

As you may have noticed, I haven't been posting for quite some time.

Let me rephrase that.

Remember when you read a few pages of that blog once, and it tickled you awfully with its colourful [No auto-correct I don't want to brutally tear out the U from colourful... just learn what I want from you based on the last hundred times I have spelled it that way! I know you only have one job in this world and that you take this position very seriously, following procedure to the letter with your coloUr coded squiggly lines, and usually I am very appreciative of being reminded how absolutely crap at spelling I am. All I am asking for is a teeny tiny bit of leeway from you to just think for yourself. You have data-banks of both American and British words. If I want to hybridize languages occasionally I understand that may upset your fragile sensibilities but just man up for once and stop throwing your shit at the wall every time I break your rules.] pictures and extensive tedious vocabulary. Then there was that period of time when you were reading this... now... this period of time reading these words here.
     Well the time in between those two points was when I had stopped posting.

I am currently doing teacher training because fuck it I'm clearly a role model. Which surprisingly involves a lot of glaring menacingly, learning to hate teenagers and stealing as many lesson plans and worksheets as possible because after one week you realize you cant be arsed teaching anything original, as apposed to the babysitting-meets-fun-science-story-time I somewhat naively expected.

Luckily it does involve a staff room with a near limitless supply of coffee. There is even a built in warning system for if I have had too much. As students will ask if I am okay with what appears to be genuine concern for my mortal well being... or simply mock me by shaking violently.

So with that in mind don't expect 2016 to be the busiest year for this blog, but I have backed up about a dozen unfinished drafts that I can complete at a much lazier pace.

Finally a huge thank you to everyone who reads this, despite my Craig Charles references and my general abuse of you all. I've said before I don't care how popular this gets but it makes me feel warm, fuzzy and bizarrely aroused to know that there are people out there who read what I write. A feeling that takes at least 3 cups of coffee to achieve otherwise.

A Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year to you all!

For the winter season, here is a picture of a Robin I took with my fancy new camera. LOOK HOW GOOD I'M GETTING!

Note: British robins are naturally blurry. It's to confuse cats

END OF UPDATE!

An Open Letter to Craig Charles

I WIN! (technically)

I finally feel good again! I beat the no caffeine blues!


Eight whole days of laboriously lumbering my aching body around like a zombie comprised primarily of car crash (it's hard to move a car crash), pinching myself in painful areas to stay awake, and trying to prevent my brain from squirming out of my nose, purchasing a gun and holding up a Starbucks are finally behind me.


I don't know how a brain would hold up a Starbucks, lacking the appendages to hold a gun, but it's a brain... it's smart... I'm sure it would find a way.


Although a smarter brain would use the money it purchased a gun with to simply buy a coffee at Starbucks.... an even smarter brain would get coffee somewhere else.


Anyway over the last few days I have attempted three different cures to make myself feel like a member of the living world. The first being ibuprofen... which does nothing.... if you have ibuprofens at home, either feed them to your local wildlife or send them back to ibuprofenland with an angry letter asking them why they are wasting your time.


My second attempt was codeine. I have a stash of codeine left over from when I was seriously ill last year (because I'm super healthy all the time to the point where God feels it is unfair for me to be such a prime specimen and occasionally decides to spite me with crippling conditions) which I save for emergencies such as this. Codeine works by making you feel awesome... it should pretty much say that on the packet. However what it also does is make you a blissful ball of couch jelly that is even less productive than the tortured caffeine-starved zombie you were before.


So I have finally settled on my third cure choice, coffee!

It's amazing how great of a cure for caffeine starvation coffee is. I would like to take this time to inform you how great coffee is. Coffee is a versatile drink that you can enjoy hot or iced. You can put Baileys in it for your Gran, or drink it from tiny little shot glasses and pretend that its a regular sized coffee and you are a giant who just happens to be fueled by coffee.


Coffee makes you feel 100% of everything, double coffee makes you feel 200% of everything and so forth. Coffee contains caffeine which is what the allies defeated Hitler with probably and coffee is also the reason cows invented milk, otherwise we would have to drink it black and nobody likes black coffee (pending source checks but take my word for it).


Here is Craig Charles without coffee.





Here is Craig Charles with coffee.

I feel that makes my point for me.


If anyone is thinking my title of I WIN may seem a little misguided. Firstly I feel awesome again now except for the crushing monotony and loneliness of my life and secondly I have probably extended my lifespan by eight days, which is exactly the sort of result the evil health inspector lady would have wanted for me anyway.

Seriously I can't draw Craig Charles

Do you ever look back on something you have said and think "I'm pretty sure that sentence has never been said by anyone ever" ? 

I love when that happens. You feel like you have created something unique, and you now win at language and have earned yourself a bounty bar (bounty bars are the perfect prize treat to keep around because nobody else likes bounty bars). That is also exactly the sort of tiny victory that I need to convince myself that I have had a productive day.

It has to be unintentional as well. You couldn't just blurt out "I am going to Canada those curtains with face BBQ" otherwise you would quickly run out of bounty.

If you are a Canadian reader (apparently I have one..... who are you?) and you understood that sentence, I assure you that in the UK at least, it makes no sense.

So today I got my bounty bar for saying the words "Ugh, now I have to go and try to draw Craig Charles"

And I am pretty confident that has never been said. Unless he has a fan club somewhere with reluctant artists.

If you don't know who Craig Charles is. Firstly that amuses me to no end, as I am going to try and bring up Craig Charles as much as possible. Secondly, he looks very little like this:

It's a marshmallow frog....