Coaster Comics 5! : Thrush!

Recent news has brought me to realize that this blog is far more influential than I had assumed. Apparently such great institutions as the BBC and/or Craig Charles (yes he is an institution) appear to take my ideas very seriously.

You may recall (or not so here's the link ) a very formal letter I wrote to Craig Charles a while back in which I raised well thought out arguments about why his time would be much better spent bringing back Robot Wars and wearing leather tussled jackets than being a miserable version of himself on Coronation Street. 

For any foreign readers who don't know what Coronation Street is. Its like those happy go lucky 'Jersey shore' shows except you remove anything that any of the characters would ever have to be happy about... like money, health, stable relationships or not being murdered.

Well ... It would appear that my wording is in fact so professional and my analysis of Craig Charles career path and future choices so well researched... that ROBOT WARS IS COMING BACK!

.... without Craig Charles...

Which , ofcourse, either means that the BBC read my blog and had better ideas for a host (you're welcome BBC), or that Craig Charles read this, went to the BBC and was all like:

"Craig Charles gave you comedy

Craig Charles brought you snores

But you aint seen nothin'

Till he's back on Robot Wars"

And the BBC executives were all like:

"Who the fuck is Craig Charles?"

Well fair play to you Craig. Strange selling pitch though... I wouldn't have led with the rhyming...

Now ofcourse the BBC will try to pay me greatly for my bright ideas. But rest assured fan-base, I won't be accepting a penny of it! I refuse to have my creative juices diluted with liquid money.

And now to finish with completely unconnected, long awaited, Coaster Comics!

Here is a picture of a man training.

And here is a helpful comic about sexual health

For effective treatment against Thrushes, use new Canesten Cream. Canesten Cream starts working immediately and its active ingredient will drown the fuck out of any pesky Thrushes that may be camping out on your body.

So if you have a Thrush...

The only rush... that you should be in...

Is to pick up some Canesten Creeeeeeeeeam!!!!

"Canesten, it kills Thrush(es)"

P.S. Canesten please sponsor me I am poor

Finish That Shit! Part 1

NEW SERIES INTRO! (Become appropriately aroused)


Because of my lack of time I have come up with an ingenious plan that I jotted down as 'Just make them read your old stuff'. So here goes...


I have written many posts for this blog. Some of which are remembered well.... by me... presumably not by you... and some of which are not even well remembered by myself.


But what I am doing here, with a brand new series!, is manipulating you... the reader who doesn't read my blog.... to go back and read those posts that you haven't read yet for the following reasons.


1. It will be like reading a whole new post from me! Without me actually having to do any work.


2. This new series is going to relate entirely to unsuccessful posts... so if you don't read them... you have no idea what I am talking about.


So this series takes a look at some of my older posts that clearly were supposed to be continued but then ... for various reasons all of which are different ways of me saying "Well that was shit lets move on" ... were not... and quickly wraps them up.


I realize the irony that this itself... is a terrible idea for a series.... and will most likely not be continued.


INTRO OVER!


EPISODE 1! (Please try to recover your lost arousal)


This blog has been responsible for many love-able and quirky fictional characters over the year (and a bit) that you have been hooked on reading it.


However one character stands out above the rest as being clearly awesome and adored by all of you.





(Oomf.. Its like I've created a new genre of porn)


Craig Charles may be my greatest creation. I think, if I look deep inside myself, his character is merely a reflection of me. Perhaps, in my own way, I am Craig Charles... and maybe a piece of Craig Charles could be in you too.


BUT


This episode is not about Craig Charles, that character has plenty more material. No this episode is about the other mainstay of this blog... This guy:





Lets take a time travelling trip back to when he had an origin story. Yeah that's right, an origin story, like Batman... or Jesus.


Ted vs Blob Saga


(You may be wondering where I found this gem. Well. What you have to do is scroll down the right hand side of my blog page and you will find dates that reveal the titles of all of my old posts. Whilst you may appreciate that I keep a record of what all of my old posts were called it's actually even more useful than that! With the tiniest flick of your dedicated clicking finger you can touch these titles! Like a cat or a priest touches its victim before injecting it with venom (Nat-Geo 2016). The title will then transport you on an epic adventure across cyberspace, visiting great lost cities and battling dragons made of pop-ups! Only to be brought back here... to your comfy chair... looking at that title displayed on my blog... and a feeling lost somewhere between achievement and regret.)


This was my fourth ever post and, despite the hindsight of my obvious forthcoming success, to start something labelled a 'saga' was ambitious.


Now here's the only paragraph that actually contributes anything to this series:


Why Is It Shit?
This all really boils down to why I wrote this in the first place. I knew at the time that I needed a character to represent myself that was easier to draw than a person.
     The origin story is true, I really was a bizarre doodling child, much like today only more defend-able. However it is merely a framework so that I can go
"HEY GUYS! REMEMBER THAT GUY!?.... YEAH!?.... I'M THAT GUY NOW!.... Kay bye...."
The planned sequel was going to be to introduce my brothers character. Essentially when my schoolmates stopped participating in strange doodling in class because "you're weird and we are not your friends" or some shit I moved on to getting my brother involved... Yeah I know, picked up no hints there... because I was older and therefore my pass-times were cool. My brother being about 9 years old, and not particularly gifted artistically, created some sort of strange blob character... called a blob... and it looked like a blob.... and it was a blob.... and had it existed people would list no features of it other than its blobbyness and strange smiley face... and I was both disappointed at his lack of commitment to the process and relieved that his character was comparatively shit.


And that... that paragraph.. would have been it. The grand saga concluded just so that I can introduce a character or two. It would be like the first Lord of the Rings movie if it just ended when they decide to make an Avengers team to take the ring.... and then there were no more movies... the end.
Nobody likes the set up for a story, we are all just waiting for a big pay-off ending. Its like I had made a really nice biscuit base for a cheesecake and served you that. No-one gives a fuck about a biscuit base! If the cream cheese topping could support itself then we would all just shovel that into our faces!


(The cream cheese represents a progression of a story-line, remember that next time you eat a cheesecake)


I've run out of similes now.


And that's why I didn't!..... (Say it with me now!)....


FINISH THAT SHIT!


to be continued...

End Of Year Update!

As you may have noticed, I haven't been posting for quite some time.

Let me rephrase that.

Remember when you read a few pages of that blog once, and it tickled you awfully with its colourful [No auto-correct I don't want to brutally tear out the U from colourful... just learn what I want from you based on the last hundred times I have spelled it that way! I know you only have one job in this world and that you take this position very seriously, following procedure to the letter with your coloUr coded squiggly lines, and usually I am very appreciative of being reminded how absolutely crap at spelling I am. All I am asking for is a teeny tiny bit of leeway from you to just think for yourself. You have data-banks of both American and British words. If I want to hybridize languages occasionally I understand that may upset your fragile sensibilities but just man up for once and stop throwing your shit at the wall every time I break your rules.] pictures and extensive tedious vocabulary. Then there was that period of time when you were reading this... now... this period of time reading these words here.
     Well the time in between those two points was when I had stopped posting.

I am currently doing teacher training because fuck it I'm clearly a role model. Which surprisingly involves a lot of glaring menacingly, learning to hate teenagers and stealing as many lesson plans and worksheets as possible because after one week you realize you cant be arsed teaching anything original, as apposed to the babysitting-meets-fun-science-story-time I somewhat naively expected.

Luckily it does involve a staff room with a near limitless supply of coffee. There is even a built in warning system for if I have had too much. As students will ask if I am okay with what appears to be genuine concern for my mortal well being... or simply mock me by shaking violently.

So with that in mind don't expect 2016 to be the busiest year for this blog, but I have backed up about a dozen unfinished drafts that I can complete at a much lazier pace.

Finally a huge thank you to everyone who reads this, despite my Craig Charles references and my general abuse of you all. I've said before I don't care how popular this gets but it makes me feel warm, fuzzy and bizarrely aroused to know that there are people out there who read what I write. A feeling that takes at least 3 cups of coffee to achieve otherwise.

A Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year to you all!

For the winter season, here is a picture of a Robin I took with my fancy new camera. LOOK HOW GOOD I'M GETTING!

Note: British robins are naturally blurry. It's to confuse cats

END OF UPDATE!

An Open Letter to Craig Charles

A Crispy Duck

When you're a child, food is nothing but fun. The closest thing to a traumatizing plate of food you could get was sprouts, or a desert that consists mainly of fruit.


Or so I thought.


Before I begin I will qualify that I am not a vegetarian. But I did consider it once... and this is the story of why.


You never really question where food actually comes from as a child. Sure you know the simple answer "beef comes from cows" but somehow that is all processed in your mind in such an innocent way.

I imagine the only reason there are any vegetarians under the age of ten is the result of heartless parents who explain the real truth to kids in graphic detail.


Now the most humane way for children to truly get their heads around what they're eating is a gradual educational process. My experience was more like learning where babies come from by investigating aggressive noises in you're parents room, only to find sweaty bodies, new and strange body parts, and a lifelong phobia of leather and horse-riding.


The Parents had decided to break the monotony of Friday night takeaways by going out for Chinese food. This was fine. We regularly decided to go crazy and change the nationality of our Friday meal, we were god damn mavericks about once a month... usually changing to Chinese food....


As such I was familiar with Chinese food. I would be having the crispy duck as I always did.


"Hey kid! Do you want to make your own food!? Using this selection of ingredients in fancy baskets which you can lay out on your plate in a finely tuned (possibly OCD) method and fold precisely to produce perfect ducky goodness packets!?"


"YOU BET YOUR BOTTOM I DO!"


This however was a new Chinese establishment. To satisfy my desire for neat and orderly food parcels, Parents ordered the 'whole crispy duck' to share, the only version of this on the menu. This was also fine, if anything it gave me a chance to demonstrate just how superior my wrap method was to the barbaric improvisation of my little brother.


Everything was completely normal. We played with the strange rotating plate (why is it only Chinese places that invest in this idea? They are the only cuisine that seems to encourage sharing with this, as apposed to all the others where ZER VILL BE NO SHARING OV ZE PLATES! ..... Sharing Nazi there) and dared each other to touch candle flames.


And then the food arrived...


It is easy to disconnect with most meat dishes. You can't see the harm that has been done when you look at a burger or a steak or a sausage because it's just a slab of meat.  Even a roast chicken is missing its head and feet. That's not a real animal. It doesn't look particularly upset about being eaten. I doubt it could look upset if it was... it doesn't have a face.


What I was presented with was something very different than what I was used to.


Here is what my  young mind assumed must have preceded this event.

I still ate it, which I know renders this story rather pointless. But I really REALLY considered thinking about not eating it. As a consolation to duck lovers, I have never ordered a whole crispy duck since then.


And that is the fantastical story of how a disturbing crispy duck caused me to momentarily consider becoming vegetarian.


On a side note. Mallard ducks have been known to mate through gang rape and to engage in necrophilia.... so... fuck 'em.


♫ HARRY'S NERD FACT OF THE TIME PERIOD! ♫  (You're damn right that counts!)