First of all...
What the hell is 'Cool Original' flavour?
You can't just not say what flavour something is because it is too awesome a secret. I couldn't start selling 'Mega Awesome' soup and just not disclose what was in it because then everyone could make 'Mega Awesome' soup.
I wouldn't mind if it were a flavour that I could actually figure out myself. There would actually be some sort of entertainment value to the challenge.
But as far as I have tried the best description of 'Cool Original' flavour that I have come up with is "cold and fuzzy". Which doesn't really bring any ingredients to mind unless it is made of ice and felt.
Eating food shouldn't raise the question "what the hell am I experiencing?". I have enough important questions like "How will I make myself feel productive today" or "how much Doctor Who omnibus do I need to watch before the sense of achievement outweighs the feeling of shame" to figure out during the day without these things weighing my brain down.
NOTE: Cool Original Doritos are delicious and everyone should eat them as regularly as possible.
Also I drew a Basking Shark
And also a basking Basking Shark
Saturday, 23 August 2014
Wednesday, 20 August 2014
The Longest Joke I Know
This is the longest joke I have ever had the pleasure to
recite. I have tried to adapt it to be applicable to all peoples, religions and time
frames of the Earths history.
[NOTE: This joke is intentionally very, very, very long
winded. You will not enjoy the start middle or end of it, the middle is
especially tedious. I recommend frequent toilet and tea breaks to make the
experience more manageable. If you don't think you will need the toilet, then
please drink tea frequently for the hours leading up to reading this]
There are one hundred priests of an unspecified religion. They have arrived dressed in the symbols of their faith in a new land to spread the word of their 'Superbook'. This could
be any land, France, Egypt, Feudal Japan, the Toronto Film Festival, any land.
Absolutely any land you can imagine, Gondor, Pangaea, 1992 or your own home and
surrounding lands which are unique to you.
Upon arriving in this strange new land they learn that the
people here have no knowledge of Superbook. They decide that the best way to spread
the word is to construct a building as a symbol of the new faith. So they
purchased some basic tools and set to work gathering wood for their shrine. As
there were one hundred priests in their prime the shrine was constructed in
under a week.
It was a basic thing. The sort of shrine you would look at
and say "that's pretty shit. Did children build this? You didn't tell me
there were feral children around.". A central trunk with a roughly carved deity
symbol nailed to the top stood in a forest clearing. A few rows of log seats
encircled it and around the edges stood a few tall torches burning incense.
The priests stood back and looked proud over their creation,
happy that they could begin spreading the words and illustrations of Superbook.
It was suggested by one of the priests that "Hey we should go for a drink
to celebrate our success!" to which exactly half of the priests thought
would be a good idea. So fifty of the priests headed down to the local pub
where they spent the night drinking whatever beverages Superbook allowed.
Upon returning from their celebrations the priests were
greeted by a horrifying sight. "Have I got beverage in my eyes!?" one
of the priests was heard to say "or has something destroyed our
shrine!?". The priest was correct, before them lay the ruins of their
primitive shrine, a tangle of wood and limbs all set ablaze by the incense
torches.
But it was too late, the man disappeared over the horizon.
As the remaining priests gathered their thoughts, one of them suggested that they
should not be discouraged, and that their fallen friends would want them to
rebuild the shrine in memory of them.
The priests agreed and set about building a new shrine!
bigger and better than the first to remember this tragic day. They quarried stones,
they cut down trees and they sewed curtains, nice curtains, I mean REALLY nice
curtains, with tassels and everything. It took the fifty priests a few weeks to
complete but eventually they were able to stand back and admire their new
creation.
It was a quaint chapel on the hill. The sort of chapel you
would look at and say "hey look at that quaint little chapel, and oh damn
check out those nice curtains!". A trodden dirt path led to the entrance
of a small stone structure, inside was the picture of simplicity and modesty. A
few rows of pews on a polished wooden floor, and an altar stood in front of a
patchwork deity symbol.
As the priests admired their new chapel, they remarked that
yes, their fallen friends would be happy with this. One of the priests
suggested that they visit a local theme park to celebrate this day. Exactly
half of the priests agreed, they spent the day riding deity approved rides,
gambling deity approved amounts of money and not riding deity condemned rides.
Upon returning from their celebrations the priests were
greeted by a horrifying sight. "Have I got deity approved theme park
snacks in my eyes!?" one of the priests was heard to say "or has
something destroyed our chapel!?". The priest was correct, on the hill lay
a pill of stone rubble, limbs and silky smooth curtain tassels.... which was
all on fire for some reason.
As the priests stood staring in horror over their lost
friends, one of them turned to notice something that, yes, upon the horizon he
could just make out the man in black speeding into the distance. But it was too
late, he was gone. As the remaining priests took care of the dead in the way
decreed by Superbook, one of them suggested that this should not be the end,
and that their fallen friends would want them to rebuild the chapel in memory
of them.
The priests agreed and set about pillaging neighbouring
villages for building supplies. They gathered glass, mixed cement, smelted
iron, mined for gold and expanded their quarry. They didn't just rebuild the
chapel, they built a fully fledged church! The sort of church that when you
refer to it like "Oh it's up by the church", people would know what
you are talking about and benefit from your informative directions. It had
taken the twenty five priests six months of labour but there it stood. A paved
path led through an iron fence, protection against and
would-be-church-destroyers and towards an imposing stone structure. Stain glass
windows adorned the front complete with deity symbols, the pews could seat a
thousand and a golden forged Superbook sat upon the altar.
The twenty five priests patted themselves on the back and
said a prayer for the lost friends. One priest suggested that after six months
they deserved a celebratory meal to mark the occasion. Twelve priests agreed
whilst the rest stayed to rest, content in the safety of their shiny new iron
fence. The twelve priests spent the evening at a nearby Italian restaurant,
because everyone is allowed to eat Italian food.
After an evening of scoffing increasingly abstract pasta
shapes the twelve priests returned to their church. One of the priests was
heard to say "Have I got tagliatelle in my eye!? Or has someone knocked
down our church!? AGAIN!" The scene that greeted them was one of sorrow
and anger. Sorrow for their dead friends, crushed under heaps of stone and
glass. Anger at their dead friends, for placing so much faith in an iron fence.
Yet more anger at the figure they could see vanishing over the horizon.
At this point you are probably thinking that these priests
are idiots, that surely they can understand the pattern by now that building a
church plus staying in the church equals death. You would also think that after
the previous events they would not believe that the solution would be to build
a bigger church.... as this in no way addresses the problem at hand. You may
think that surely he can't just keep rambling on like this and that he will
wrap this up soon, after all we have figured out the pattern of the joke and we
know where it is going anyway.
.....
So one of the priests, suffering from long term memory loss,
suggested that to honour their friends they should build a new monument to
their faith. The others, after giving him concerned looks, figured they had
come this far and, resigned to their fate, they agreed. The priests then spent
the next five years ravaging the lands for resources. They felled forests,
flattened hills and drove the critically endangered Pentapus to extinction to use
their tears for cement (its like an octopus but it only has five arms... and only has five eyes)
After a further five years of construction, they were
finally able to stand back, crane their necks high, and admire their creation. This
was a truly great achievement. This was now a cathedral, the sort of cathedral
that architecture student congregate around. The sort of structure that
everyone for miles around would refer to as "That massive f***ing
monstrosity made of tears" and there would be weird rumors like "at
night I've heard that you can hear the pentapusses crying from inside the
walls". Whether these rumors were true or not, it was an impressive
building. The size of aeroplane hangar. It had an attached aeroplane hangar. It was the first cathedral built with a solid
steel support structure and, for added protection, a moat and barbwire fence
surrounded it.
The priests had been at the whole 'building monuments for
the Superbook' for many years now and were getting old and tired. One of them
suggested that they should take a trip to a local spa for a day of relaxation
after this great achievement, "after all..." he said "page 69 of Superbook does proclaim in giant text, 'Thou shalt spa'". Five other priests, who probably had better
survival instincts, agreed and the six of them took off. Six remained content
in their reinforced structure, even taking shifts to keep watch for added
security.
The six who left spent the day wallowing in mud, having
cucumbers placed on various body parts and being generally as un-energetic as
possible. They were also pleasantly surprised to find that their local infamy
granted them free access to all the spas facilities. After they had left in
their own time and the spa owner barred the doors shut behind them they headed
back to their church.
"Have I still got cucumber in my eye!?" one of the
six said as their home loomed on the horizon, "or has someone destroyed
our church!?"
The priest was correct. As they approached and crossed the
moat they found a towering pile of rubble. There was an eerie silence as they
glared at the destruction, picturing their dead friends somewhere inside. The
silence was only broken by the sound of the man in black speeding off over the
horizon and the joyous cries of Pentapus souls being freed.
The sight of the man in black filled one of the priests with
rage. He turned to the others and said "Hey I know what we need to
do!" ... The others agreed before he had chance to say what it was.
The priests set about gathering more resources. After the
ten years it took them to gather this, they were surrounded by a scorched
barren earth. They had felled all the trees for twenty miles, flattened the
earth, hunted all life to extinction (I mean all life, even worms... they took
all the worms and used them to lure down all the birds. Then they trained the
birds to help lift heavy objects for them. Then they ate the birds. Then they
made a monument to remember the birds. Then they... didn't really put much
effort into maintaining it and it ran into disrepair... the end), drained lakes
and sucked clouds from the sky somehow.
It took a further ten years for the small group of ageing
priests to complete their construction. For the sake of this story four of the
priests died during a slave bird rebellion that was later crushed. Mainly
because I can't think of many more advancing stages of church besides going
into ghost churches or space churches, though those would be awesome.
Their creation could barely be called a church.Yes it was
built in the shape of their deity symbol and inside were super mahogany (like
regular mahogany only more awesome) pews and a diamond pulpit, but to all other
purposes this was a fortress. The entire structure was titanium, standing
thirty stories high. It was surrounded with laser fences, laser moats full of
lasers, and atop the building were placed a cluster of guns which shot bullets which were also made of lasers. There were immense speaker systems built into the walls which
issued threats as well as religious good will messages to all who
approached. It was the sort of church
that you wouldn't say anything about... because the church would know what you
said and rain lasers upon you.
The doom of the man in black was built. But they needed
bait. The two old priests drew straws to decide who would stay. The priest who
left made it known that he would be leaving for a day on the beach.
He spent his day pretending to sunbathe, pretending to build
sandcastles and pretending to dip his toes in the water. Until he heard a
commotion in the distance. He raced back towards his fortress with a smile on
his face, the sort of smile you would have if the person who has killed ninety
eight of your closest ninety nine friends had been killed. When he could peer
over the next horizon however, his smile vanished. All he could see in front of
him was a smoking heap of titanium and misfiring lasers. As he peered through
the smoke he could make out the man in black making his escape.
Something inside him had told him that this would happen and
this time he was prepared. He knew there was no sand in his eyes... he had only been pretending to touch the sand. He ran behind a nearby bush and hopped aboard his
Super Priesty Priest Scooter and gave chase.
Through the desolate lands he chased the man, gaining ever
so slowly until after hours, to the priests surprise, the man had pulled over.
The priest pulled up and approached the man, his face red with rage.
"HAVE YOU BEEN KNOCKING DOWN OUR CHURCHES!?" The
priest roared.
And the man replied
"...... no....... "
THE END! =D
Friday, 15 August 2014
Nerd Fact Of The Time Period! : Lizards
Welcome back useless
information sponges for another exciting edition of Nerd Fact Of The Period!
♪♫NERD FACT OF THE
TIME PERIOD! ♪♫
(I am aware this
jingle doesn't translate through text so to help you the tune is DOO-BE-DOO-DOO-DOO-DOOOOBEDOO.
Pretty sure that explains it accurately)
How many eyes do
lizards have?
Two I hear you say...
Then I laugh in your
face whilst wearing my giant novelty nerd glasses!
Lizards actually have
three eyes. The Parietal eye is located on top of the head between the eyes.
Whilst not as developed as the main eyes it is capable of detecting changes in
light (useful when your main predators are birds). Although in some reptiles
such as the Tuatara it is more developed with a retina and lens.
Okay so its small enough that people generally wouldn't know
this but still. Why don't people know this!?
If this was taught to me as a child then it would make
animals that extra bit awesome. These are the types of facts kids need to get
enthused!
But anyways, on a scale of one to awesome, lizards are at
least a 16.
All hail the mighty triclops!!
♪♫NERD FACT OF THE
TIME PERIOD! ♪♫
Wednesday, 13 August 2014
More like Notflix! .... yeah
I'm pretty new to Netflix. I am usually one of the last
people to dip my toe into any new technology.
I had been under the impression that I had been thoroughly
enjoying my time using it. However I have come to the realization that for the
most part I have been tricking myself into enjoying it.
Here is what happened when I went on Netflix yesterday.
A WHOLE HOUR! The amount of TV I managed to watch was
exactly zero minutes.
Strangely though I walked away from experience thinking that
I had enjoyed myself. Which means for a whole hour my brain had been getting a
kick out of simply viewing how many awesome shows there were and imagining how
satisfying it would be to watch them.
I think I have pinned down the problem with Netflix and have
summed it up in this super professional graph.
I don't think I operate well with choices. My brain seems to
be broken in such a way that it enjoys the idea of making a choice as much as
it enjoys the thing that would be chosen.
Luckily my free trial will expire soon and I may once again
be able to do something during my day. Maybe one day even contribute to
society.
Tuesday, 12 August 2014
Coaster Comics 2: The reluctant hero
I was going to write a longer blog today but I got distracted by Netflix.
So I drew a woman with T-cups...
So I drew a woman with T-cups...
I also started drawing a character and then, in a coffee induced brain fart, completely forgot who he was supposed to be.
I have figured out that he is a new superhero.
Though he looks ordinary, he has the ability to turn his hands into full sized live giraffes.
However he is pretty confident that not only does he not have the upper body strength to lift or wield two full sized live giraffes, but he is also concerned that they would tear him in two as they ran away. Shocked and confused of course by their sudden rise to existence and the presence of a mans arm protruding from their backside.
I figure this is why the man is in plain clothes and not a costume. As he lives in fear of the day he will actually be called upon to use his powers.
Monday, 11 August 2014
The Teddy vs Blob Saga : Birth of a Ted
Every child goes through a drawing stage. The ability to
very accurately demonstrate to their parents how awesome their imagined
story lines are holds obvious attraction.
For some reason unknown to me I never really grew out of it.
I remember a point in my early school years when a
class-mate showed me his planner. The planner was an ingenious system given out
to all children to help organize their day, writing down homework, timetables
and so on. Naturally as 10 year olds we neglected to ever, ever see any value
in this.
His planner had been defaced on that days page, scribbled
over with rough drawings of stick men in various stages of fighting and
murdering each other.
Looking back on this now, this was probably a sign that I
should have held concerns over the mental state of this boy... and should
probably be extra nice to him if he were to ever choose a victim to play
'stick-men' with.
However at the time this was nothing but an eye opening
moment. This was a bold act of defiance using my favorite pass time! Never had
I felt such a calling to an act of rebellion or realized the power held in my
simple black Biro... and these were just crude stick figures! Imagine what
monstrosities I could bring upon my planner with my own junior doodling skills.
In an effort to
quickly show I could one up this boy. My own character was created. One which
after careful thought, I dubbed 'The Teddy'. We would swap designs and draw
conflicts between these two.
The rampage of the Teds
destruction of stick-men upon my pages was swift. Fueled by power, the freeing
life of a vandal and Sunny Delight (seriously what was in that stuff?) my pen
blazed through the pages.
I was never one for getting into trouble at school. My
rebellion was channeled through my pen against this tyranny of timetables,
planners and hand-out sheets.
Not one page remained unspoiled. If I could relate it to
anything at the time. It would be like reading an epic tale where I was not a
spectator but a puppet-master.
It was a poorly understood crime.... a crime seemingly
without motive.... but I could not be stopped.
In my 10
year old brain these messy images were imagined as an epic conflict, directed
by Spielberg, or more likely Michael Bay, shot in super wide screen with
surround sound and getting rave reviews. Such things are difficult to convey on
the pages of a planner though.
I lost any competition for the Teds to destroy when the
other boy decided he was not a career doodler. Deciding to move on to more
sinister crimes most likely.
This was a crushing blow for me.
I was not a sporty child, and drawing this new universe felt like I was winning at something. A powerful feeling had been taken from
me.
I couldn't just keep making my own inferior stick-men to
defeat.... that would just be silly.
I needed a nemesis.
Saturday, 9 August 2014
Nerd Fact of the Time Period!
If there is anything a degree in Marine Biology has given me it is the ability to hold on to random facts that aren't really useful to any normal people.
However if some of these are enough that you read them and say "huh well I didn't know that before!" and then never remember it or relay that information to anyone ever..... that will be enough to make my efforts worthwhile.
I had originally named this 'Nerd Fact of the Week' but realized just how much pressure that would put me under... and I am just not ready for that kind of responsibility.
So this is the Nerd Fact of the Time Period. It will technically be 'of the week' any way no matter when I post it.... even if I didn't post one the week before. All I would have to do is make sure I don't post another one that week... which means I have to do less!!! I think that mental gymnastics deserves a nerd fact prize.
So the first Nerd Fact is this.....
This is how a starfish eats......
.....Starfish turn inside out and put their own stomachs onto their food to absorb it......
Starfish are insane
However if some of these are enough that you read them and say "huh well I didn't know that before!" and then never remember it or relay that information to anyone ever..... that will be enough to make my efforts worthwhile.
I had originally named this 'Nerd Fact of the Week' but realized just how much pressure that would put me under... and I am just not ready for that kind of responsibility.
So this is the Nerd Fact of the Time Period. It will technically be 'of the week' any way no matter when I post it.... even if I didn't post one the week before. All I would have to do is make sure I don't post another one that week... which means I have to do less!!! I think that mental gymnastics deserves a nerd fact prize.
So the first Nerd Fact is this.....
This is how a starfish eats......
.....Starfish turn inside out and put their own stomachs onto their food to absorb it......
Starfish are insane
Labels:
animal facts,
biology,
cartoons,
celine dion,
eating habits,
Humor,
nerd,
science,
starfish
Coaster Comics
My working life has never been as idyllic as I imagined it would be when I was 10 years old. I don't rescue animals, explore desert islands or bump fists with Attenborough.
What I have done is lots and lots of bar jobs.
One bar job was such a quiet place that for the most part I was being paid to sit at the bar and doodle on beer mats.
And so Coaster Comics were born!
Hopefully these aren't as goddamn awful as the original crayon rubbings I made. The general rule is that they are restricted to a single frame. So they are mainly puns or play-on-words.
It is also way easier to draw one of these than write a huge blog post. So naturally these sit pretty on top of my priorities list.
ENJOY!!!
What I have done is lots and lots of bar jobs.
One bar job was such a quiet place that for the most part I was being paid to sit at the bar and doodle on beer mats.
And so Coaster Comics were born!
Hopefully these aren't as goddamn awful as the original crayon rubbings I made. The general rule is that they are restricted to a single frame. So they are mainly puns or play-on-words.
It is also way easier to draw one of these than write a huge blog post. So naturally these sit pretty on top of my priorities list.
ENJOY!!!
Friday, 8 August 2014
Dinosaurs are awesome enough!
When I was a wee lad, I remember drawing what I can only
describe as a T-Rex with a bow and arrow balanced on its back.
Now I can
assume, looking back on this, that I expected the T-Rex to be able to use this bow
to defeat its enemies and generally be a cretaceous badass. This was presumably
done by some sort of telekinesis unless it was able to team up with another
T-Rex.... and even then there would be some pretty serious flaws in getting
those arms to be able to operate a bow and arrow.
This picture
is an insight into many of my thoughts at this age. Not only about dinosaur
anatomy, which at around age five I can probably forgive, but about basic
things such as how balancing objects works.
Clearly I thought it was most likely that balance was merely a matter of will and that whatever point of an object I held, it would comply with my desires. An idea strongly supported by my balancing eagle toy at the time.
Clearly I thought it was most likely that balance was merely a matter of will and that whatever point of an object I held, it would comply with my desires. An idea strongly supported by my balancing eagle toy at the time.
Now at this
point my knowledge of dinosaurs had come only from illustrated kids books and
the 'Land Before Time' films.
As such when I came to drawing my own T-Rex I had that mindset that "that's all well and good Mr T-Rex, but what if you needed to eat something that was in a tree... or over a hill... or flying... or only had a weakness to arrows" and so the obvious course of action was to precariously balance a fucking bow and arrow on its back to improve its capabilities.
As such when I came to drawing my own T-Rex I had that mindset that "that's all well and good Mr T-Rex, but what if you needed to eat something that was in a tree... or over a hill... or flying... or only had a weakness to arrows" and so the obvious course of action was to precariously balance a fucking bow and arrow on its back to improve its capabilities.
The reason I am remembering this now is that I have recently
learned of a new Jurassic Park film being made, entitled Jurassic World. Where
it would appear that they have looked at the thousands of badass dinosaur
species and gone "yeah but all they do is bite you or slash you to death
or stand on you or impale you.... YAWN!" and have decided to create their
own new made up dinosaur.
Now the reason
I came to the conclusion that T-Rex probably was quite capable of itself
without the need for mind arrows being fired from atop its spine, was that I
watched the Jurassic Park films. They taught us just how fucking terrifying it
would be if real dinosaurs existed that could... open doors.... or spit
acid.... well you get the point.
And as much as I would love to see the antagonist of this
new film be revealed as a motherfucking T-Rex with a motherfucking bow and
arrow balanced on its back... as this would validate how awesome my childhood
ideas were. I feel that any other Madeuppysaurus would be a poor choice, and
would distract the new generation of young doodlers from how awesome regular
real bloodthirsty dinosaurs are.
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