Humanity v2.0 : Tails

Two posts in a month!? I'm on fire!



As humans we must surely be able to look around at our Nutella, our languages, opposable thumbs, and those rugs which seem far softer than it would be possible for anything to be, and think we couldn't possibly be any more awesome. So I have compiled some notes on where humans and society can be made cooler. Most will be impossible to implement without aggressive invasive surgery and/or some sort of revolution.... probably a violent one. But I don't think that is asking for too much when you think about how awesome it would be!



Tails!


Remember all those times you had to make multiple trips up the stairs because you had to hold the railing and therefore only had one hand free to carry a slice of pie? Not with a tail! now you can carry two slices of pie up the stairs and it doesn't matter if you fall because you have a sweet tail that has essentially just saved your life and your pie. Thanks tail!! This even applies to scenarios with some other foods!!! Think of the possibilities! Having a tail would make you a pretty bad-ass climber, which would mean that you are now exactly as cool as a monkey (unless this monkey has a fez, in which case you would need two tails, and a fez) and exactly 14% cooler than a horse but the horse doesn't give a crap. No more waiting for apples to fall down like a pleb! Just climb up there and get your 5-a-day like a boss!

There are a few downsides that we would have to adapt to... but I feel these are greatly outweighed by the climbing and pie-saving benefits. First of all it would add extra confusion in mans relationship with dogs. Many dogs seem to think they are people anyway, and with both having tails, I fear that it could lead to some dogs having confused sexual desires. But pie...



You know how it is universally agreed that the greatest pain you can experience is when you trap a finger in a door or a drawer? Well with a tail, imagine that happening lots. It also makes you an easier target for predators such as bears.



Hopefully though you will be so full of healthy apples and pie that you have enough energy to slap it upside the head and survive with most of your internal organs in tact. The bears rage is only fueled by jealousy anyway, with there stumpy tail-less backsides... losers.

Nerd Fact Of The Time Period : Jellyfish

If you are like me, and I know I am, then you think jellyfish are awesome.


However if you are one of the many people who is not me, then jellyfish probably resemble some

alien semi-invisible harbingers of death that should be eradicated or tortured until we can discover

who sent them.


I am here today not to make you fall in love with these transparent death-bots but at the very least

appreciate that they are pretty darn remarkable, in this episode of.....



♪♫NERD FACT OF THE TIME PERIOD! ♪♫

Jellyfish, part of the larger group Cnidaria (puts on nerd glasses) come in many shapes and sizes, 

from parasites to colossal Lions Mane jellies with tentacles trailing over 35m!

No-matter how they live however, jellyfish are incredibly simple animals. sitting near the foot of the 

animal evolutionary tree they lack some home comforts of more 'advanced' animals such as 

ourselves and ducks. Mainly unnecessary frivolous things such as brains or any real organs other 

than a simple sack for digesting food.

With such a simple digestive system, it is also true that jellyfish poop through the same hole that 

they eat. So even if you really really like them, please add this to your reasons not to kiss a jellyfish.

Despite being an animal with a short instruction sheet (Lego are you listening? Lego jellyfish please) 

Jellyfish are able to boast a very impressive list of achievements.

They are suspected of being the inventors of movement.... and I feel that alone should mean I don't 

have to keep writing anymore... as that achievement is about as big as they get.

I mean imagine how bad-ass you are if you start moving around eating things when nothing else can 

move! This also gives them the title of first ever active predators, the cougars of the ancient seas.

Remember how I mentioned that jellyfish don't have brains? Well if you think that would somewhat 

hinder basic abilities then just remember that the jellyfish DOESN'T GIVE A SHIT WHAT YOU 

THINK! Most jellyfish have eyes and, whilst most are simply eye spot that are able to tell light from 

dark to keep them near the surface, some even have complex eyes with cornea, retinas and lenses. 

Allowing some jellies like the box-jellyfish (do not touch, especially if you are an Australian, 

Australians seem especially vulnerable) to see shapes and actively hunt! Brain schmain!

Now for some extra cool types of jellyfish!

The first is Turritopsis dohrnii, also known as the Immortal jellyfish, that's right, the Immortal 

jellyfish!!

This species has the ability to, when attacked or ill or merely fed up with how its life has turned out

revert back to its larval stage on the seafloor and start all over again! Theoretically there is no limit 

to how many times this can happen. It's like a real life doctor who!

Imagine that ability in your old age.

Awesome Jellyfish number 2!! The Portuguese Man O' War!!

Ok ok so I'm stretching this jellyfish definition. The Man O' War is not a true jellyfish, it is a 

Siphonophore, another member of the Cnidarian group. 

The awesome thing about it is that it isn't even an 'it'! Technically it is a 'they'.

The Man O' War is actually a colony of four different organisms called zooids which are highly 

specialized and work together to form a single animal.... Just picture if you linked arms with a bear, 

an elephant and a snake... and you all had jobs such as eating, moving, catching and having sex.... 

then you get the idea.

Awesome Jellyfish Cnidarian number 3!! Corals!

Hey Cnidarians count... leave me alone. Another member of the group are corals. Very close 

relatives to jellyfish they are essentially huge colonies of tiny jellies that build immense stone castles 

together and all life on the surface as kind of upside down jellyfish with their mouths and tentacles 

facing into the water. It just so happens that these death castles (not quite as deadly as regular jellies 

can be.... don't touch fire coral though) are often very attractive and full of pretty colors.

This also means that Cnidarians have created the largest living structure on Earth, the Great Barrier 

Reef!

As a final note. Jellyfish stings hurt. Please do not pee on them, this often makes things worse. The 

best thing to wash it with is seawater (seems counter intuitive I know) and definitely not fresh water.

Nerd Fact Of The Time Period! : Lizards

Welcome back useless information sponges for another exciting edition of Nerd Fact Of The Period!

♪♫NERD FACT OF THE TIME PERIOD! ♪♫

(I am aware this jingle doesn't translate through text so to help you the tune is DOO-BE-DOO-DOO-DOO-DOOOOBEDOO. Pretty sure that explains it accurately)

How many eyes do lizards have?

Two I hear you say...

Then I laugh in your face whilst wearing my giant novelty nerd glasses!

Lizards actually have three eyes. The Parietal eye is located on top of the head between the eyes. Whilst not as developed as the main eyes it is capable of detecting changes in light (useful when your main predators are birds). Although in some reptiles such as the Tuatara it is more developed with a retina and lens.

Okay so its small enough that people generally wouldn't know this but still. Why don't people know this!?

If this was taught to me as a child then it would make animals that extra bit awesome. These are the types of facts kids need to get enthused!

But anyways, on a scale of one to awesome, lizards are at least a 16.

All hail the mighty triclops!!

♪♫NERD FACT OF THE TIME PERIOD! ♪♫

Nerd Fact of the Time Period!

If there is anything a degree in Marine Biology has given me it is the ability to hold on to random facts that aren't really useful to any normal people.


However if some of these are enough that you read them and say "huh well I didn't know that before!" and then never remember it or relay that information to anyone ever..... that will be enough to make my efforts worthwhile.


I had originally named this 'Nerd Fact of the Week' but realized just how much pressure that would put me under... and I am just not ready for that kind of responsibility.


So this is the Nerd Fact of the Time Period. It will technically be 'of the week' any way no matter when I post it.... even if I didn't post one the week before. All I would have to do is make sure I don't post another one that week... which means I have to do less!!! I think that mental gymnastics deserves a nerd fact prize.


So the first Nerd Fact is this.....


This is how a starfish eats......

.....Starfish turn inside out and put their own stomachs onto their food to absorb it......



Starfish are insane