Nerd Facts 4! : ATTWSABNAETNBE! That's the only way I could shorten it into a reasonable title...

All the coolest people die young unless they are one of the many many exceptions that don't.


I'm sure the same applies to animals.


Therefore I bring you the Nerd Fact Of The Time Period! This time celebrating Awesome-Things-That-Were-Super-Awesome-But-Not-Awesome-Enough-To-Not-Be-Extinct.


Now I know you all love dinosaurs (If you don't love dinosaurs, please leave) but everyone knows about them. This wouldn't be an awesome nerdfact if I didn't attempt to find some new unknown awesome things. I have not made any of these up!



1. Name: Leedsicthys


Reason for awesomeness: Imagine a sardine....





Just a pretty boring little silver fish, swimming along with its mouth open trying to filter out some tiny morsels of food.


Now imagine a sardine THE SIZE OF A WHALE! and with a Yorkshire accent!


That's right folks. Before there were whales there were other things that do the same things as whales do.... it just happens that they were gigantic fish.


Leedsicthys was the largest of these, with sensible estimates of size ranging from 9-16m in length (a similar size to the Humpback Whale). It swam the seas during the Jurassic period and was discovered first in Leeds! Take that American giant dinosaur fossils... we have a giant sardine!

(Not actually a sardine, Leedsicthys was too awesome to leave any close relatives alive whatsoever)



2. Name: Odobenocetops


Reason for awesomeness: You look at a Walrus and you say "tusks are pretty damn awesome, if only more animals had giant walrus tusks"


And then you run through all the coolest options like a tiny frog with giant walrus tusks, or an angry badger with giant walrus tusks, or a deadly snake with giant walrus fangs.

Well there wasn't any of those... and I'm not even going to say an elephant either... that would be anti-climactic.


It was a FREAKING WHALE!


I literally know nothing more or this animal other than it lived 5-11 million years ago and was awesome enough to sleep with all of your  mums.



3. Name: Lystrosaurus


Reason for awesomeness: Around 252 million years ago at the end of the Permian era, there was an event colloquially known as 'The Great Dying'. It's a pretty apt name as 70% of all land vertebrates went extinct (worse than the dinosaur extinction event) and this essentially wiped the slate for the dinosaurs to rise to dominate the land.


But the Dinosaurs weren't the first to take advantage of the open world, that title goes to Lystrosaurus. Yes not even a group of animals like the dinosaurs, but just Lystrosaurus... on its own. Lystrosaurus spread so successfully that it is estimated that at its peak, 95% of all land vertebrates across the entire globe were Lystrosaurus! Imagine that!


Person 1: "We just went on a safari holiday to Africa!"

Person 2: "Sweet, what did you see?"

Person 1: "Mainly Lystrosurus....."

Person 2: "Isn't that the same as my European road-trip nature tour?"

Person 1: "Why what was that like?"

Person 2: "Mainly Lystrosaurus...."

Person 1: "Then yes"


Despite the 'Saurus' ending, Lystrosaurus was a Dicynodont, a link between early amniotes (reptiley-type-things) and mammals. It was these proto-mammals that dominated the land before the 'Great Dying' and were reduced to scraping a living and hiding until the dinosaurs finally snuffed it (except birds) 65 million years ago.


Lystrosaurus gets my awesome stamp by using the 'Great Dying' to be an enterprising motherfucker and become its own global super franchise!



4. Name: Opabinia


Reason for awesomeness: No-one know what the fuck it is! I'm not talking about regular folks who have never heard of it. But Paleontologists are genuinely rather baffled.


Opabinia is old.... very very old. It comes from a time known as the Cambrian when complex life was only just starting out and evolution was just throwing ridiculous designs at the wall to see if they would stick. Opabinia was one of these.


It has five eyes, a mouth that faces backwards, seems to swim with the use of strange fleshy lobes and has a long protrusion at the front reminiscent of "the claaaaaaaw" from Toy Story.

Awesome stamp for being a damn maverick!



5. Name: Therizinosaurus


Reason for awesomeness: Ok this one actually is a dinosaur. But on a scale of one to awesome, this one is at least a 17!


Therizinosaurus gets the awesome stamp for having the largest claws of anything ever! Whilst also being covered in feathers, having a pot belly and eating mainly plants.


Yep the most bad-ass daggers in natural history belong to a fat herbivore. This animal lived 70 million years ago in Mongolia and its remains were first thought to be that of a turtle.

The Coffee Scale

Ever since I discovered coffee in the late 17th century I have spent a great amount of time drinking it.


As with keeping fish (again new readers, you have no idea what I am referencing, please consult one of my original readerss, who are better than you), discovering a drink as powerful as coffee was only ever going to end in extreme abuse of these powers. Through my own lack of control I have therefore discovered the many stages and abilities that coffee is able to grant to a person, and I want to share those with you!


I encourage all of you to take your own adventures into coffee consumption. You can do this at home or in public! For first time adventurers I recommend doing this at home in a padded room surrounded by people you trust.


Some of you are reading this thinking "Harry... what are you talking about? We all drink coffee and there is nothing adventurous about it..."


Do you? Do you really drink coffee? Or do you just reach phase 3 and decide to stop?


"Phase 3? You are making less sense than an Austrian octopus with a speech impediment!"


.... Ok well I don't know why you would make that analogy. But I see you are unfamiliar with the phases of coffee. Therefore I have illustrated the coffee scale to help you track your progress.


You seem scared... What if I told you that if you drink enough then you gain the ability to be super inflatable AND a train!?


Well it doesn't. Im not even sure how that would look or feel. But you were excited weren't you? Well I assure you that there are things almost as exciting and definitely more physically possible waiting for you to discover!


ON-WARDS COFFEE BRETHREN!

The comedown time from being John Coffey is the same as the run-time for Green Mile multiplied by the inverse square of the number of John Coffey bees you have spit at people in that time, so bear that in mind.


I spend the majority of my life in phase 3 although I have broken through to phase 7 on a few occasions. Usually resulting in a satisfied hangover and the release of a Hollywood film.


For anyone wishing to cheat, energy drinks essentially jump 2 phases at a time. This does make it impossible to be a productive member of society however.


And once again I will warn you that tea is a lie. Anyone who drinks too much tea risks becoming Shia Labeouf. If you thought I was going to say Mr. T ...... shame on you..... that would just be silly.


Appropriate places to become John Coffey include supermarkets, public swimming pools, theaters, library's and Grandmas house. There are no appropriate places to be Shia Lebeouf.

Nerd Fact Of The Time Period : Jellyfish

If you are like me, and I know I am, then you think jellyfish are awesome.


However if you are one of the many people who is not me, then jellyfish probably resemble some

alien semi-invisible harbingers of death that should be eradicated or tortured until we can discover

who sent them.


I am here today not to make you fall in love with these transparent death-bots but at the very least

appreciate that they are pretty darn remarkable, in this episode of.....



♪♫NERD FACT OF THE TIME PERIOD! ♪♫

Jellyfish, part of the larger group Cnidaria (puts on nerd glasses) come in many shapes and sizes, 

from parasites to colossal Lions Mane jellies with tentacles trailing over 35m!

No-matter how they live however, jellyfish are incredibly simple animals. sitting near the foot of the 

animal evolutionary tree they lack some home comforts of more 'advanced' animals such as 

ourselves and ducks. Mainly unnecessary frivolous things such as brains or any real organs other 

than a simple sack for digesting food.

With such a simple digestive system, it is also true that jellyfish poop through the same hole that 

they eat. So even if you really really like them, please add this to your reasons not to kiss a jellyfish.

Despite being an animal with a short instruction sheet (Lego are you listening? Lego jellyfish please) 

Jellyfish are able to boast a very impressive list of achievements.

They are suspected of being the inventors of movement.... and I feel that alone should mean I don't 

have to keep writing anymore... as that achievement is about as big as they get.

I mean imagine how bad-ass you are if you start moving around eating things when nothing else can 

move! This also gives them the title of first ever active predators, the cougars of the ancient seas.

Remember how I mentioned that jellyfish don't have brains? Well if you think that would somewhat 

hinder basic abilities then just remember that the jellyfish DOESN'T GIVE A SHIT WHAT YOU 

THINK! Most jellyfish have eyes and, whilst most are simply eye spot that are able to tell light from 

dark to keep them near the surface, some even have complex eyes with cornea, retinas and lenses. 

Allowing some jellies like the box-jellyfish (do not touch, especially if you are an Australian, 

Australians seem especially vulnerable) to see shapes and actively hunt! Brain schmain!

Now for some extra cool types of jellyfish!

The first is Turritopsis dohrnii, also known as the Immortal jellyfish, that's right, the Immortal 

jellyfish!!

This species has the ability to, when attacked or ill or merely fed up with how its life has turned out

revert back to its larval stage on the seafloor and start all over again! Theoretically there is no limit 

to how many times this can happen. It's like a real life doctor who!

Imagine that ability in your old age.

Awesome Jellyfish number 2!! The Portuguese Man O' War!!

Ok ok so I'm stretching this jellyfish definition. The Man O' War is not a true jellyfish, it is a 

Siphonophore, another member of the Cnidarian group. 

The awesome thing about it is that it isn't even an 'it'! Technically it is a 'they'.

The Man O' War is actually a colony of four different organisms called zooids which are highly 

specialized and work together to form a single animal.... Just picture if you linked arms with a bear, 

an elephant and a snake... and you all had jobs such as eating, moving, catching and having sex.... 

then you get the idea.

Awesome Jellyfish Cnidarian number 3!! Corals!

Hey Cnidarians count... leave me alone. Another member of the group are corals. Very close 

relatives to jellyfish they are essentially huge colonies of tiny jellies that build immense stone castles 

together and all life on the surface as kind of upside down jellyfish with their mouths and tentacles 

facing into the water. It just so happens that these death castles (not quite as deadly as regular jellies 

can be.... don't touch fire coral though) are often very attractive and full of pretty colors.

This also means that Cnidarians have created the largest living structure on Earth, the Great Barrier 

Reef!

As a final note. Jellyfish stings hurt. Please do not pee on them, this often makes things worse. The 

best thing to wash it with is seawater (seems counter intuitive I know) and definitely not fresh water.

Fish Made Me Broke

I have many flaws, some that I am able to control more than others.

When it comes to hobbies ... I think I may have a real problem.

I never actively seek out new hobbies, they are usually thrust upon me.

My brain latches on to new things and a strange sense of what is either blind ambition or misplaced confidence gradually removes control of my actions from the more reasonable part of my brain.

The first move my hobby addicted brain makes is to place the new activity at an indefensibly high point on my priorities list.

The more reasonable part of my brain is the part of me that has any understanding of the flow of money. It is therefore acutely aware that the vast majority of the time, I don't have any.

The ambitious side however has no such concerns, it merely sees money as a tool to achieve its goals. And now it can look at my updated priorities list, which it has secretly doctored, and give itself justification to take control of my purchases.

This is where things start to go badly wrong.

As a result I tend to steer myself away from new activities that are destined to financially ruin me. However sometimes freak events occur, planets align and a new thing is forced upon me.

I can safely say that I blame my current bank balance on the appearance of two goldfish named Barry and Luciano.

How do goldfish just appear I hear you ask?

Well what else do you get a marine biologist for a secret Santa present?

The downward spiral began as soon as I got them home and continued for the next two years.

I have illustrated the main chain of events from then until now.

Well I attempted to draw all of it.... but it did not end there.

You would think that at some point I would have looked up how large goldfish get, and you would be right, and yet this information still did not inform my choice of tank up to that point. So instead of simply admitting that I could not realistically afford a tank large enough for two adult goldfish, I took the more entertaining option of continually buying larger tanks whenever they outgrew them. You must understand that after about the first week, my deranged hobby orientated brain had taken over, and admitting defeat would mean the end of the hobby... which was unacceptable.

Eventually my goldfish outgrew even that tank and I made my final tank upgrade.

And this is how I ended up with this monstrosity

You may notice a severe absence of goldfish in this tank. Well whilst my hobby brain is fully dedicated to pursuing its goals through any financial means necessary, when it comes to actually putting in physical effort.... for example the effort needed to regularly clean up the poop of two adult goldfish (for anyone thinking about getting goldfish, do not get goldfish, they poop constantly, that is not an over exaggeration) then it quickly becomes jaded with the idea.

Essentially I moved my goldfish on to another home as they were ruining my lovely giant fish tank with copious amount of poop... allowing me to go and spent more money on replacement fish.... such as Ross Kemp the sailfin pleco.... who will eventually outgrow even this tank.

And that is why I should never ever do new things.

Coaster Comics 3: Basking Shark

First of all...

What the hell is 'Cool Original' flavour?



You can't just not say what flavour something is because it is too awesome a secret. I couldn't start selling 'Mega Awesome' soup and just not disclose what was in it because then everyone could make 'Mega Awesome' soup.



I wouldn't mind if it were a flavour that I could actually figure out myself. There would actually be some sort of entertainment value to the challenge.



But as far as I have tried the best description of 'Cool Original' flavour that I have come up with is "cold and fuzzy". Which doesn't really bring any ingredients to mind unless it is made of ice and felt.



Eating food shouldn't raise the question "what the hell am I experiencing?". I have enough important questions like "How will I make myself feel productive today" or "how much Doctor Who omnibus do I need to watch before the sense of achievement outweighs the feeling of shame" to figure out during the day without these things weighing my brain down.



NOTE: Cool Original Doritos are delicious and everyone should eat them as regularly as possible.



Also I drew a Basking Shark

And also a basking Basking Shark

The Longest Joke I Know

This is the longest joke I have ever had the pleasure to recite. I have tried to adapt it to be applicable to all peoples, religions and time frames of the Earths history.

[NOTE: This joke is intentionally very, very, very long winded. You will not enjoy the start middle or end of it, the middle is especially tedious. I recommend frequent toilet and tea breaks to make the experience more manageable. If you don't think you will need the toilet, then please drink tea frequently for the hours leading up to reading this]

There are one hundred priests of an unspecified religion. They have arrived dressed in the symbols of their faith in a new land to spread the word of their 'Superbook'. This could be any land, France, Egypt, Feudal Japan, the Toronto Film Festival, any land. Absolutely any land you can imagine, Gondor, Pangaea, 1992 or your own home and surrounding lands which are unique to you.

Upon arriving in this strange new land they learn that the people here have no knowledge of Superbook. They decide that the best way to spread the word is to construct a building as a symbol of the new faith. So they purchased some basic tools and set to work gathering wood for their shrine. As there were one hundred priests in their prime the shrine was constructed in under a week.

It was a basic thing. The sort of shrine you would look at and say "that's pretty shit. Did children build this? You didn't tell me there were feral children around.". A central trunk with a roughly carved deity symbol nailed to the top stood in a forest clearing. A few rows of log seats encircled it and around the edges stood a few tall torches burning incense.

The priests stood back and looked proud over their creation, happy that they could begin spreading the words and illustrations of Superbook. It was suggested by one of the priests that "Hey we should go for a drink to celebrate our success!" to which exactly half of the priests thought would be a good idea. So fifty of the priests headed down to the local pub where they spent the night drinking whatever beverages Superbook allowed.

Upon returning from their celebrations the priests were greeted by a horrifying sight. "Have I got beverage in my eyes!?" one of the priests was heard to say "or has something destroyed our shrine!?". The priest was correct, before them lay the ruins of their primitive shrine, a tangle of wood and limbs all set ablaze by the incense torches.

 How exactly all fifty priests who remained at the shrine managed to perish as the single tall, thin structure collapsed remains a mystery to this day. As the priests stood in shock staring and mourning over their lost friends, one of them turned to notice something that looked out of place. As he squinted he could make out on the horizon a figure all in black, speeding away on an unspecified vehicle. It could be a motorbike, a sports car, a horse and carriage, a horse without a carriage, absolutely any vehicle you can think of, a bicycle, a unicycle, a pangolin, or a petrol powered pangolin.

But it was too late, the man disappeared over the horizon. As the remaining priests gathered their thoughts, one of them suggested that they should not be discouraged, and that their fallen friends would want them to rebuild the shrine in memory of them.

The priests agreed and set about building a new shrine! bigger and better than the first to remember this tragic day. They quarried stones, they cut down trees and they sewed curtains, nice curtains, I mean REALLY nice curtains, with tassels and everything. It took the fifty priests a few weeks to complete but eventually they were able to stand back and admire their new creation.

It was a quaint chapel on the hill. The sort of chapel you would look at and say "hey look at that quaint little chapel, and oh damn check out those nice curtains!". A trodden dirt path led to the entrance of a small stone structure, inside was the picture of simplicity and modesty. A few rows of pews on a polished wooden floor, and an altar stood in front of a patchwork deity symbol. 

As the priests admired their new chapel, they remarked that yes, their fallen friends would be happy with this. One of the priests suggested that they visit a local theme park to celebrate this day. Exactly half of the priests agreed, they spent the day riding deity approved rides, gambling deity approved amounts of money and not riding deity condemned rides.

Upon returning from their celebrations the priests were greeted by a horrifying sight. "Have I got deity approved theme park snacks in my eyes!?" one of the priests was heard to say "or has something destroyed our chapel!?". The priest was correct, on the hill lay a pill of stone rubble, limbs and silky smooth curtain tassels.... which was all on fire for some reason.

As the priests stood staring in horror over their lost friends, one of them turned to notice something that, yes, upon the horizon he could just make out the man in black speeding into the distance. But it was too late, he was gone. As the remaining priests took care of the dead in the way decreed by Superbook, one of them suggested that this should not be the end, and that their fallen friends would want them to rebuild the chapel in memory of them.

The priests agreed and set about pillaging neighbouring villages for building supplies. They gathered glass, mixed cement, smelted iron, mined for gold and expanded their quarry. They didn't just rebuild the chapel, they built a fully fledged church! The sort of church that when you refer to it like "Oh it's up by the church", people would know what you are talking about and benefit from your informative directions. It had taken the twenty five priests six months of labour but there it stood. A paved path led through an iron fence, protection against and would-be-church-destroyers and towards an imposing stone structure. Stain glass windows adorned the front complete with deity symbols, the pews could seat a thousand and a golden forged Superbook sat upon the altar.

The twenty five priests patted themselves on the back and said a prayer for the lost friends. One priest suggested that after six months they deserved a celebratory meal to mark the occasion. Twelve priests agreed whilst the rest stayed to rest, content in the safety of their shiny new iron fence. The twelve priests spent the evening at a nearby Italian restaurant, because everyone is allowed to eat Italian food.

After an evening of scoffing increasingly abstract pasta shapes the twelve priests returned to their church. One of the priests was heard to say "Have I got tagliatelle in my eye!? Or has someone knocked down our church!? AGAIN!" The scene that greeted them was one of sorrow and anger. Sorrow for their dead friends, crushed under heaps of stone and glass. Anger at their dead friends, for placing so much faith in an iron fence. Yet more anger at the figure they could see vanishing over the horizon.

At this point you are probably thinking that these priests are idiots, that surely they can understand the pattern by now that building a church plus staying in the church equals death. You would also think that after the previous events they would not believe that the solution would be to build a bigger church.... as this in no way addresses the problem at hand. You may think that surely he can't just keep rambling on like this and that he will wrap this up soon, after all we have figured out the pattern of the joke and we know where it is going anyway.

.....

So one of the priests, suffering from long term memory loss, suggested that to honour their friends they should build a new monument to their faith. The others, after giving him concerned looks, figured they had come this far and, resigned to their fate, they agreed. The priests then spent the next five years ravaging the lands for resources. They felled forests, flattened hills and drove the critically endangered Pentapus to extinction to use their tears for cement (its like an octopus but it only has five arms... and only has five eyes)

After a further five years of construction, they were finally able to stand back, crane their necks high, and admire their creation. This was a truly great achievement. This was now a cathedral, the sort of cathedral that architecture student congregate around. The sort of structure that everyone for miles around would refer to as "That massive f***ing monstrosity made of tears" and there would be weird rumors like "at night I've heard that you can hear the pentapusses crying from inside the walls". Whether these rumors were true or not, it was an impressive building. The size of aeroplane hangar. It had an attached aeroplane hangar.  It was the first cathedral built with a solid steel support structure and, for added protection, a moat and barbwire fence surrounded it.

The priests had been at the whole 'building monuments for the Superbook' for many years now and were getting old and tired. One of them suggested that they should take a trip to a local spa for a day of relaxation after this great achievement, "after all..." he said "page 69 of Superbook does proclaim in giant text, 'Thou shalt spa'". Five other priests, who probably had better survival instincts, agreed and the six of them took off. Six remained content in their reinforced structure, even taking shifts to keep watch for added security.

The six who left spent the day wallowing in mud, having cucumbers placed on various body parts and being generally as un-energetic as possible. They were also pleasantly surprised to find that their local infamy granted them free access to all the spas facilities. After they had left in their own time and the spa owner barred the doors shut behind them they headed back to their church.

"Have I still got cucumber in my eye!?" one of the six said as their home loomed on the horizon, "or has someone destroyed our church!?"

The priest was correct. As they approached and crossed the moat they found a towering pile of rubble. There was an eerie silence as they glared at the destruction, picturing their dead friends somewhere inside. The silence was only broken by the sound of the man in black speeding off over the horizon and the joyous cries of Pentapus souls being freed.

The sight of the man in black filled one of the priests with rage. He turned to the others and said "Hey I know what we need to do!" ... The others agreed before he had chance to say what it was.

The priests set about gathering more resources. After the ten years it took them to gather this, they were surrounded by a scorched barren earth. They had felled all the trees for twenty miles, flattened the earth, hunted all life to extinction (I mean all life, even worms... they took all the worms and used them to lure down all the birds. Then they trained the birds to help lift heavy objects for them. Then they ate the birds. Then they made a monument to remember the birds. Then they... didn't really put much effort into maintaining it and it ran into disrepair... the end), drained lakes and sucked clouds from the sky somehow.

It took a further ten years for the small group of ageing priests to complete their construction. For the sake of this story four of the priests died during a slave bird rebellion that was later crushed. Mainly because I can't think of many more advancing stages of church besides going into ghost churches or space churches, though those would be awesome.

Their creation could barely be called a church.Yes it was built in the shape of their deity symbol and inside were super mahogany (like regular mahogany only more awesome) pews and a diamond pulpit, but to all other purposes this was a fortress. The entire structure was titanium, standing thirty stories high. It was surrounded with laser fences, laser moats full of lasers, and atop the building were placed a cluster of guns which shot bullets which were also made of lasers. There were immense speaker systems built into the walls which issued threats as well as religious good will messages to all who approached.  It was the sort of church that you wouldn't say anything about... because the church would know what you said and rain lasers upon you.

The doom of the man in black was built. But they needed bait. The two old priests drew straws to decide who would stay. The priest who left made it known that he would be leaving for a day on the beach.

He spent his day pretending to sunbathe, pretending to build sandcastles and pretending to dip his toes in the water. Until he heard a commotion in the distance. He raced back towards his fortress with a smile on his face, the sort of smile you would have if the person who has killed ninety eight of your closest ninety nine friends had been killed. When he could peer over the next horizon however, his smile vanished. All he could see in front of him was a smoking heap of titanium and misfiring lasers. As he peered through the smoke he could make out the man in black making his escape.

Something inside him had told him that this would happen and this time he was prepared. He knew there was no sand in his eyes... he had only been pretending to touch the sand. He ran behind a nearby bush and hopped aboard his Super Priesty Priest Scooter and gave chase.

Through the desolate lands he chased the man, gaining ever so slowly until after hours, to the priests surprise, the man had pulled over. The priest pulled up and approached the man, his face red with rage.

"HAVE YOU BEEN KNOCKING DOWN OUR CHURCHES!?" The priest roared.

And the man replied

"...... no....... "

THE END! =D