The Coffee Scale

Ever since I discovered coffee in the late 17th century I have spent a great amount of time drinking it.


As with keeping fish (again new readers, you have no idea what I am referencing, please consult one of my original readerss, who are better than you), discovering a drink as powerful as coffee was only ever going to end in extreme abuse of these powers. Through my own lack of control I have therefore discovered the many stages and abilities that coffee is able to grant to a person, and I want to share those with you!


I encourage all of you to take your own adventures into coffee consumption. You can do this at home or in public! For first time adventurers I recommend doing this at home in a padded room surrounded by people you trust.


Some of you are reading this thinking "Harry... what are you talking about? We all drink coffee and there is nothing adventurous about it..."


Do you? Do you really drink coffee? Or do you just reach phase 3 and decide to stop?


"Phase 3? You are making less sense than an Austrian octopus with a speech impediment!"


.... Ok well I don't know why you would make that analogy. But I see you are unfamiliar with the phases of coffee. Therefore I have illustrated the coffee scale to help you track your progress.


You seem scared... What if I told you that if you drink enough then you gain the ability to be super inflatable AND a train!?


Well it doesn't. Im not even sure how that would look or feel. But you were excited weren't you? Well I assure you that there are things almost as exciting and definitely more physically possible waiting for you to discover!


ON-WARDS COFFEE BRETHREN!

The comedown time from being John Coffey is the same as the run-time for Green Mile multiplied by the inverse square of the number of John Coffey bees you have spit at people in that time, so bear that in mind.


I spend the majority of my life in phase 3 although I have broken through to phase 7 on a few occasions. Usually resulting in a satisfied hangover and the release of a Hollywood film.


For anyone wishing to cheat, energy drinks essentially jump 2 phases at a time. This does make it impossible to be a productive member of society however.


And once again I will warn you that tea is a lie. Anyone who drinks too much tea risks becoming Shia Labeouf. If you thought I was going to say Mr. T ...... shame on you..... that would just be silly.


Appropriate places to become John Coffey include supermarkets, public swimming pools, theaters, library's and Grandmas house. There are no appropriate places to be Shia Lebeouf.

Not A Real Post, Just Selling My Soul

<a href="http://www.bloglovin.com/blog/13528955/?claim=xddwyx8ws6z">Follow my blog with Bloglovin</a>

That is a code to register my code on Bloglovin.com.


As much as this besmirches the clearly impeccable image that my blog already holds, it must be done because actually I do just want this blog to make me feel successful and important.


If you are reading this after seeing my blog on bloglovin, then clearly I am some sort of blog Richard Branson and this was an awesome idea. Please don't think that this post represents my blog though... there's usually some sort of picture or fact or narrative.


If you are reading this because you read my blog anyway... I said this wasn't a real post... what are you even doing? You should go think about what you are doing with your day. Go get some cereal or something.


Actually thank you, you are clearly my most important readers (I will create a new second class status for all readers who find my blog through my own shameless self promotion... with blurred pictures or something).


I made the movie poster for Shark Gump... but you won't know what that is without reading my older posts Bloglovin joiners. This is for the originals, they're one step ahead of you already! Sort your game out Blogloviners!


Ok I'll stop now before I destroy any benefit this entire venture may have had.

UPDATE: The blog has now sold out even more and has a Facebook page  (facebook.com/DangerMusicHelps). I am essentially Maroon 5

A Game of Shark

Who needs board games or video games when you can just imagine things and laugh at them?

I give you the game of SHARK!

[Note: I did not create this game, nor do I know who did, it was introduced to me by a friend who had it introduced to them. I assume this chain continues back to the first caveman with a film collection and a grasp of the word shark. Bless that man]

The object of the game is to cause as much laughter as possible by taking the name of a film and replacing a single word with the word 'shark', and then imagining how hilariously strange the resulting film would be. This has been tried with many words but trail and error has confirmed that indeed 'shark' is the funniest. 

You can give multiple outcomes of using shark in a film, it is amazing how varied a result you will get.

For example:

'Forrest Shark' is a horror film following a group of scouts who are one by one hunted down by a bloodthirsty monster. This turns out to be a Forrest Shark, a monstrous shark which grew legs and took to the trees because of global warming.

Whereas 'Shark Gump' is a charming and heart-braking tale about a shark born with a simple demeanor and weak legs. Following his life through being a college football star, Vietnam war hero, drinker of fifteen Dr.Peppers, ping pong/ diplomacy champion, extreme marathon runner, slogan inspirer, shrimpin' boat captain, Lawnmower captain, giver of chocolates and watcher-of-feathers.

Here are some of my favourites:

Charlie and the Shark Factory : When the other kids wander off FREAKIN SHARKS! What did you expect kids its a fucking shark factory! Now your dead! Why are there tickets to this!?

Shark Matrix : Thousands of sharks for some reason form a huge deadly mesh known as the 'Shark Matrix' and start consuming shipping. A team of scientists led by Jeff Goldblum is sent to investigate.

Eternal Shark of the Spotless Mind : A journey inside Jim Carreys head... which is full of sharks.

The Lost Shark: Jurassic Park : Think 'Baby's Big Day Out'. Following an adorable young shark Rupert on an adventure of discovery and mischief as he loses his parents and finds himself lost in Jurassic Park. The colon denotes that this is part of a series of films, perhaps a straight-to-DVD crossover sequel.

Shark and Mrs. Smith : A steamy romance about a woman affair with a shark

The Shawshank Shark : The strange story of 'Andy', the inmates name for a shark who was arrested and sent to Shawshank after being framed for eating his wife. And how he copes in prison as a shark. (this film title also gets bonus points for being fun to say)

X-Men: The Last Shark: A feature length documentary following the X-Men as they track down and attempt to save the last remaining shark. Presumably mutant activities have almost wiped them out.

Man on Shark : The story of a man who trained his whole life to join Cirque Du Soliel with his shark riding act.

Shark on Fire : A disturbing four hour long art film.

Lets all play Shark! Let me know your best ones

Humanity v2.0 : Tails

Two posts in a month!? I'm on fire!



As humans we must surely be able to look around at our Nutella, our languages, opposable thumbs, and those rugs which seem far softer than it would be possible for anything to be, and think we couldn't possibly be any more awesome. So I have compiled some notes on where humans and society can be made cooler. Most will be impossible to implement without aggressive invasive surgery and/or some sort of revolution.... probably a violent one. But I don't think that is asking for too much when you think about how awesome it would be!



Tails!


Remember all those times you had to make multiple trips up the stairs because you had to hold the railing and therefore only had one hand free to carry a slice of pie? Not with a tail! now you can carry two slices of pie up the stairs and it doesn't matter if you fall because you have a sweet tail that has essentially just saved your life and your pie. Thanks tail!! This even applies to scenarios with some other foods!!! Think of the possibilities! Having a tail would make you a pretty bad-ass climber, which would mean that you are now exactly as cool as a monkey (unless this monkey has a fez, in which case you would need two tails, and a fez) and exactly 14% cooler than a horse but the horse doesn't give a crap. No more waiting for apples to fall down like a pleb! Just climb up there and get your 5-a-day like a boss!

There are a few downsides that we would have to adapt to... but I feel these are greatly outweighed by the climbing and pie-saving benefits. First of all it would add extra confusion in mans relationship with dogs. Many dogs seem to think they are people anyway, and with both having tails, I fear that it could lead to some dogs having confused sexual desires. But pie...



You know how it is universally agreed that the greatest pain you can experience is when you trap a finger in a door or a drawer? Well with a tail, imagine that happening lots. It also makes you an easier target for predators such as bears.



Hopefully though you will be so full of healthy apples and pie that you have enough energy to slap it upside the head and survive with most of your internal organs in tact. The bears rage is only fueled by jealousy anyway, with there stumpy tail-less backsides... losers.

Seasons greetings!

MERRY CHRISTMAS EVERYONE!

I know it's now January but the Christ-Moose has a different understanding of time to you and considers it to still be Christmas as my tree is still stood in my living room. As well as this, 'New-Year' doesn't produce characters as good as the Christ-Moose.

(By the way if you ever watch songs of praise (British people), which I don't, but I sat through once upon a time, the fancy churchy latin singing folk totally pronounce it christ-moose, and it filled me with festive cheer)

If you're wondering where this blog has been, and I realize that doesn't apply to anyone as nobody actually reads this.... but if I don't at least pretend then I should go play outside or make friends or something, I mean what is my life? ..... Oh God....

 If you are wondering where this blog has been, I recently 'upgraded' from marine biologist working in a bar to marine biologist working at a factory, which has left me with very little time to type. If you have never worked in a factory, imagine that chore that you don't like, you know the one... the one where you exhale for two minutes before forcing yourself to do it whilst surrounding yourself by as many distracting devices as possible. Now imagine that your job is to do that chore for 8 hours a day, five days a week.... factory work is not fun. If you still hold childhood dreams of working in a chocolate factory, please abandon those dreams now.

I also realized after my initial posting spurt that my plan of 'building up a dozen or so ideas for posts ahead of time so that I can be a regular blogger..... people love regularity' did not quite work out as it turns out I just end up with a load left over that I don't really feel are good enough yet. This blog is not abandoned but I am simply posting when I know I'm happy with what I've made. I know this imaginary audience has high standards.

Keep the faith, His holy antlers and musk be with you!