This is the longest joke I have ever had the pleasure to
recite. I have tried to adapt it to be applicable to all peoples, religions and time
frames of the Earths history.
[NOTE: This joke is intentionally very, very, very long
winded. You will not enjoy the start middle or end of it, the middle is
especially tedious. I recommend frequent toilet and tea breaks to make the
experience more manageable. If you don't think you will need the toilet, then
please drink tea frequently for the hours leading up to reading this]
There are one hundred priests of an unspecified religion. They have arrived dressed in the symbols of their faith in a new land to spread the word of their 'Superbook'. This could
be any land, France, Egypt, Feudal Japan, the Toronto Film Festival, any land.
Absolutely any land you can imagine, Gondor, Pangaea, 1992 or your own home and
surrounding lands which are unique to you.
Upon arriving in this strange new land they learn that the
people here have no knowledge of Superbook. They decide that the best way to spread
the word is to construct a building as a symbol of the new faith. So they
purchased some basic tools and set to work gathering wood for their shrine. As
there were one hundred priests in their prime the shrine was constructed in
under a week.
It was a basic thing. The sort of shrine you would look at
and say "that's pretty shit. Did children build this? You didn't tell me
there were feral children around.". A central trunk with a roughly carved deity
symbol nailed to the top stood in a forest clearing. A few rows of log seats
encircled it and around the edges stood a few tall torches burning incense.
The priests stood back and looked proud over their creation,
happy that they could begin spreading the words and illustrations of Superbook.
It was suggested by one of the priests that "Hey we should go for a drink
to celebrate our success!" to which exactly half of the priests thought
would be a good idea. So fifty of the priests headed down to the local pub
where they spent the night drinking whatever beverages Superbook allowed.
Upon returning from their celebrations the priests were
greeted by a horrifying sight. "Have I got beverage in my eyes!?" one
of the priests was heard to say "or has something destroyed our
shrine!?". The priest was correct, before them lay the ruins of their
primitive shrine, a tangle of wood and limbs all set ablaze by the incense
torches.
How exactly all fifty priests who remained at the shrine managed to perish as the single tall, thin structure collapsed remains a mystery to this day. As the priests stood in shock staring and mourning over their lost friends, one of them turned to notice something that looked out of place. As he squinted he could make out on the horizon a figure all in black, speeding away on an unspecified vehicle. It could be a motorbike, a sports car, a horse and carriage, a horse without a carriage, absolutely any vehicle you can think of, a bicycle, a unicycle, a pangolin, or a petrol powered pangolin.
But it was too late, the man disappeared over the horizon.
As the remaining priests gathered their thoughts, one of them suggested that they
should not be discouraged, and that their fallen friends would want them to
rebuild the shrine in memory of them.
The priests agreed and set about building a new shrine!
bigger and better than the first to remember this tragic day. They quarried stones,
they cut down trees and they sewed curtains, nice curtains, I mean REALLY nice
curtains, with tassels and everything. It took the fifty priests a few weeks to
complete but eventually they were able to stand back and admire their new
creation.
It was a quaint chapel on the hill. The sort of chapel you
would look at and say "hey look at that quaint little chapel, and oh damn
check out those nice curtains!". A trodden dirt path led to the entrance
of a small stone structure, inside was the picture of simplicity and modesty. A
few rows of pews on a polished wooden floor, and an altar stood in front of a
patchwork deity symbol.
As the priests admired their new chapel, they remarked that
yes, their fallen friends would be happy with this. One of the priests
suggested that they visit a local theme park to celebrate this day. Exactly
half of the priests agreed, they spent the day riding deity approved rides,
gambling deity approved amounts of money and not riding deity condemned rides.
Upon returning from their celebrations the priests were
greeted by a horrifying sight. "Have I got deity approved theme park
snacks in my eyes!?" one of the priests was heard to say "or has
something destroyed our chapel!?". The priest was correct, on the hill lay
a pill of stone rubble, limbs and silky smooth curtain tassels.... which was
all on fire for some reason.
As the priests stood staring in horror over their lost
friends, one of them turned to notice something that, yes, upon the horizon he
could just make out the man in black speeding into the distance. But it was too
late, he was gone. As the remaining priests took care of the dead in the way
decreed by Superbook, one of them suggested that this should not be the end,
and that their fallen friends would want them to rebuild the chapel in memory
of them.
The priests agreed and set about pillaging neighbouring
villages for building supplies. They gathered glass, mixed cement, smelted
iron, mined for gold and expanded their quarry. They didn't just rebuild the
chapel, they built a fully fledged church! The sort of church that when you
refer to it like "Oh it's up by the church", people would know what
you are talking about and benefit from your informative directions. It had
taken the twenty five priests six months of labour but there it stood. A paved
path led through an iron fence, protection against and
would-be-church-destroyers and towards an imposing stone structure. Stain glass
windows adorned the front complete with deity symbols, the pews could seat a
thousand and a golden forged Superbook sat upon the altar.
The twenty five priests patted themselves on the back and
said a prayer for the lost friends. One priest suggested that after six months
they deserved a celebratory meal to mark the occasion. Twelve priests agreed
whilst the rest stayed to rest, content in the safety of their shiny new iron
fence. The twelve priests spent the evening at a nearby Italian restaurant,
because everyone is allowed to eat Italian food.
After an evening of scoffing increasingly abstract pasta
shapes the twelve priests returned to their church. One of the priests was
heard to say "Have I got tagliatelle in my eye!? Or has someone knocked
down our church!? AGAIN!" The scene that greeted them was one of sorrow
and anger. Sorrow for their dead friends, crushed under heaps of stone and
glass. Anger at their dead friends, for placing so much faith in an iron fence.
Yet more anger at the figure they could see vanishing over the horizon.
At this point you are probably thinking that these priests
are idiots, that surely they can understand the pattern by now that building a
church plus staying in the church equals death. You would also think that after
the previous events they would not believe that the solution would be to build
a bigger church.... as this in no way addresses the problem at hand. You may
think that surely he can't just keep rambling on like this and that he will
wrap this up soon, after all we have figured out the pattern of the joke and we
know where it is going anyway.
.....
So one of the priests, suffering from long term memory loss,
suggested that to honour their friends they should build a new monument to
their faith. The others, after giving him concerned looks, figured they had
come this far and, resigned to their fate, they agreed. The priests then spent
the next five years ravaging the lands for resources. They felled forests,
flattened hills and drove the critically endangered Pentapus to extinction to use
their tears for cement (its like an octopus but it only has five arms... and only has five eyes)
After a further five years of construction, they were
finally able to stand back, crane their necks high, and admire their creation. This
was a truly great achievement. This was now a cathedral, the sort of cathedral
that architecture student congregate around. The sort of structure that
everyone for miles around would refer to as "That massive f***ing
monstrosity made of tears" and there would be weird rumors like "at
night I've heard that you can hear the pentapusses crying from inside the
walls". Whether these rumors were true or not, it was an impressive
building. The size of aeroplane hangar. It had an attached aeroplane hangar. It was the first cathedral built with a solid
steel support structure and, for added protection, a moat and barbwire fence
surrounded it.
The priests had been at the whole 'building monuments for
the Superbook' for many years now and were getting old and tired. One of them
suggested that they should take a trip to a local spa for a day of relaxation
after this great achievement, "after all..." he said "page 69 of Superbook does proclaim in giant text, 'Thou shalt spa'". Five other priests, who probably had better
survival instincts, agreed and the six of them took off. Six remained content
in their reinforced structure, even taking shifts to keep watch for added
security.
The six who left spent the day wallowing in mud, having
cucumbers placed on various body parts and being generally as un-energetic as
possible. They were also pleasantly surprised to find that their local infamy
granted them free access to all the spas facilities. After they had left in
their own time and the spa owner barred the doors shut behind them they headed
back to their church.
"Have I still got cucumber in my eye!?" one of the
six said as their home loomed on the horizon, "or has someone destroyed
our church!?"
The priest was correct. As they approached and crossed the
moat they found a towering pile of rubble. There was an eerie silence as they
glared at the destruction, picturing their dead friends somewhere inside. The
silence was only broken by the sound of the man in black speeding off over the
horizon and the joyous cries of Pentapus souls being freed.
The sight of the man in black filled one of the priests with
rage. He turned to the others and said "Hey I know what we need to
do!" ... The others agreed before he had chance to say what it was.
The priests set about gathering more resources. After the
ten years it took them to gather this, they were surrounded by a scorched
barren earth. They had felled all the trees for twenty miles, flattened the
earth, hunted all life to extinction (I mean all life, even worms... they took
all the worms and used them to lure down all the birds. Then they trained the
birds to help lift heavy objects for them. Then they ate the birds. Then they
made a monument to remember the birds. Then they... didn't really put much
effort into maintaining it and it ran into disrepair... the end), drained lakes
and sucked clouds from the sky somehow.
It took a further ten years for the small group of ageing
priests to complete their construction. For the sake of this story four of the
priests died during a slave bird rebellion that was later crushed. Mainly
because I can't think of many more advancing stages of church besides going
into ghost churches or space churches, though those would be awesome.
Their creation could barely be called a church.Yes it was
built in the shape of their deity symbol and inside were super mahogany (like
regular mahogany only more awesome) pews and a diamond pulpit, but to all other
purposes this was a fortress. The entire structure was titanium, standing
thirty stories high. It was surrounded with laser fences, laser moats full of
lasers, and atop the building were placed a cluster of guns which shot bullets which were also made of lasers. There were immense speaker systems built into the walls which
issued threats as well as religious good will messages to all who
approached. It was the sort of church
that you wouldn't say anything about... because the church would know what you
said and rain lasers upon you.
The doom of the man in black was built. But they needed
bait. The two old priests drew straws to decide who would stay. The priest who
left made it known that he would be leaving for a day on the beach.
He spent his day pretending to sunbathe, pretending to build
sandcastles and pretending to dip his toes in the water. Until he heard a
commotion in the distance. He raced back towards his fortress with a smile on
his face, the sort of smile you would have if the person who has killed ninety
eight of your closest ninety nine friends had been killed. When he could peer
over the next horizon however, his smile vanished. All he could see in front of
him was a smoking heap of titanium and misfiring lasers. As he peered through
the smoke he could make out the man in black making his escape.
Something inside him had told him that this would happen and
this time he was prepared. He knew there was no sand in his eyes... he had only been pretending to touch the sand. He ran behind a nearby bush and hopped aboard his
Super Priesty Priest Scooter and gave chase.
Through the desolate lands he chased the man, gaining ever
so slowly until after hours, to the priests surprise, the man had pulled over.
The priest pulled up and approached the man, his face red with rage.
"HAVE YOU BEEN KNOCKING DOWN OUR CHURCHES!?" The
priest roared.
And the man replied
"...... no....... "
THE END! =D
