Because of my lack of time I have come up with an ingenious plan that I jotted down as 'Just make them read your old stuff'. So here goes...
I have written many posts for this blog. Some of which are remembered well.... by me... presumably not by you... and some of which are not even well remembered by myself.
But what I am doing here, with a brand new series!, is manipulating you... the reader who doesn't read my blog.... to go back and read those posts that you haven't read yet for the following reasons.
1. It will be like reading a whole new post from me! Without me actually having to do any work.
2. This new series is going to relate entirely to unsuccessful posts... so if you don't read them... you have no idea what I am talking about.
So this series takes a look at some of my older posts that clearly were supposed to be continued but then ... for various reasons all of which are different ways of me saying "Well that was shit lets move on" ... were not... and quickly wraps them up.
I realize the irony that this itself... is a terrible idea for a series.... and will most likely not be continued.
INTRO OVER!
EPISODE 1! (Please try to recover your lost arousal)
This blog has been responsible for many love-able and quirky fictional characters over the year (and a bit) that you have been hooked on reading it.
However one character stands out above the rest as being clearly awesome and adored by all of you.
(Oomf.. Its like I've created a new genre of porn)
Craig Charles may be my greatest creation. I think, if I look deep inside myself, his character is merely a reflection of me. Perhaps, in my own way, I am Craig Charles... and maybe a piece of Craig Charles could be in you too.
BUT
This episode is not about Craig Charles, that character has plenty more material. No this episode is about the other mainstay of this blog... This guy:
Lets take a time travelling trip back to when he had an origin story. Yeah that's right, an origin story, like Batman... or Jesus.
Ted vs Blob Saga
(You may be wondering where I found this gem. Well. What you have to do is scroll down the right hand side of my blog page and you will find dates that reveal the titles of all of my old posts. Whilst you may appreciate that I keep a record of what all of my old posts were called it's actually even more useful than that! With the tiniest flick of your dedicated clicking finger you can touch these titles! Like a cat or a priest touches its victim before injecting it with venom (Nat-Geo 2016). The title will then transport you on an epic adventure across cyberspace, visiting great lost cities and battling dragons made of pop-ups! Only to be brought back here... to your comfy chair... looking at that title displayed on my blog... and a feeling lost somewhere between achievement and regret.)
This was my fourth ever post and, despite the hindsight of my obvious forthcoming success, to start something labelled a 'saga' was ambitious.
Now here's the only paragraph that actually contributes anything to this series:
Why Is It Shit?
This all really boils down to why I wrote this in the first place. I knew at the time that I needed a character to represent myself that was easier to draw than a person.
The origin story is true, I really was a bizarre doodling child, much like today only more defend-able. However it is merely a framework so that I can go
"HEY GUYS! REMEMBER THAT GUY!?.... YEAH!?.... I'M THAT GUY NOW!.... Kay bye...."
The planned sequel was going to be to introduce my brothers character. Essentially when my schoolmates stopped participating in strange doodling in class because "you're weird and we are not your friends" or some shit I moved on to getting my brother involved... Yeah I know, picked up no hints there... because I was older and therefore my pass-times were cool. My brother being about 9 years old, and not particularly gifted artistically, created some sort of strange blob character... called a blob... and it looked like a blob.... and it was a blob.... and had it existed people would list no features of it other than its blobbyness and strange smiley face... and I was both disappointed at his lack of commitment to the process and relieved that his character was comparatively shit.
And that... that paragraph.. would have been it. The grand saga concluded just so that I can introduce a character or two. It would be like the first Lord of the Rings movie if it just ended when they decide to make an Avengers team to take the ring.... and then there were no more movies... the end.
Nobody likes the set up for a story, we are all just waiting for a big pay-off ending. Its like I had made a really nice biscuit base for a cheesecake and served you that. No-one gives a fuck about a biscuit base! If the cream cheese topping could support itself then we would all just shovel that into our faces!
(The cream cheese represents a progression of a story-line, remember that next time you eat a cheesecake)
I've run out of similes now.
And that's why I didn't!..... (Say it with me now!)....
FINISH THAT SHIT!
to be continued...
