There once was a man named .... Ashbey? ..... Bashley? ..... Bashley... his name was Bashley.
Bashley worked in a dull factory putting pillows and duvets into bags. Bashley found this job a complete bore and so distracted himself by striking up conversations with a fellow employee named... Barry.
Barry was a marine biologist with an awesome beard and a super popular blog (that Bashley didn't know about) who was merely working at the factory because he was too cool to do anything else, rather than walking the fine desperate line of poverty and un-fulfillment that Bashley would have suspected if he were not a complete lunatic.
Bashley was a complete lunatic.
Barry was thankful for this fact. These conversations were one of the only things that made this job entertaining. It's the same reason that Jeremy Kyle is so popular. People can hear the issues, conversations and bizarre attempts at sentence structure made by the type of people who appear here, and suddenly feel far superior and content that at-least they are not unhinged to this degree.
As Barry soaked in these conversations and tried desperately to understand some sort of pattern to the subjects being raised. He thought to himself that a list of quotes from such an individual may be just the sort of thing that deserves a place on his blog....
Fictional Barry's fictional blog was full of gossip and nonsense so this was entirely appropriate.
Barry constructed the list over many months. He finally published the quotes under the title "Conversations With A Lunatic" which he thought may get him into trouble but had planned for this by changing the names of those involved to Shlashley and Shlarry.... so no-one would ever know.
Barry's list can be viewed below:
1. "I'm looking at a new flat Shlarry. Ive got to save up a 10% deposit though"
"Well how much is that Shlashley?"
"The flat is £80,000. So I need about £3000-4000 right?"
2. "So I went on holiday this one time by myself with some mates...."
3. "Shlarry..."
"yes?"
"What is your take on Hurricane Katrina?"
"...... What?...."
"I mean who do you think did it?"
[some time and fruitless explanation later]
"Shlarry you can't tell me that a hurricane just so happened to hit a city full of black people"
4. "Shlarry what is your take on Aliens"
Hitler
Money
Animals (!?)
Jesus
ISIS
Air (!?)
Loch Ness Monster/ Bigfoot/ 'that thing in Spain what sucks goats dead'
5. "I'm goin' on a diet, there's this guy right, who says that you shouldn't eat any acid foods, that's what got all our modern bodies messed up! You get me?"
"So what do you have to eat?"
"Natural things! Back to nature! like fruits and stuff"
6. "You don't have to correct me all the time Shlarry, you know I'm not the brightest star in the ocean"
7. "You know when a woman goes to the doctor to see how much her baby has dilated...."
8. "Why would someone have sex with an animal Shlarry? Tell me"
"What..... where is this coming from?"
"Well they found this woman with wings the other day, so some crazy fucker out there must have been having sex with birds"
"I ..... I don't even.... there's so much wrong here"
