Eight whole days of laboriously lumbering my aching body around like a zombie comprised primarily of car crash (it's hard to move a car crash), pinching myself in painful areas to stay awake, and trying to prevent my brain from squirming out of my nose, purchasing a gun and holding up a Starbucks are finally behind me.
I don't know how a brain would hold up a Starbucks, lacking the appendages to hold a gun, but it's a brain... it's smart... I'm sure it would find a way.
Although a smarter brain would use the money it purchased a gun with to simply buy a coffee at Starbucks.... an even smarter brain would get coffee somewhere else.
Anyway over the last few days I have attempted three different cures to make myself feel like a member of the living world. The first being ibuprofen... which does nothing.... if you have ibuprofens at home, either feed them to your local wildlife or send them back to ibuprofenland with an angry letter asking them why they are wasting your time.
My second attempt was codeine. I have a stash of codeine left over from when I was seriously ill last year (because I'm super healthy all the time to the point where God feels it is unfair for me to be such a prime specimen and occasionally decides to spite me with crippling conditions) which I save for emergencies such as this. Codeine works by making you feel awesome... it should pretty much say that on the packet. However what it also does is make you a blissful ball of couch jelly that is even less productive than the tortured caffeine-starved zombie you were before.
So I have finally settled on my third cure choice, coffee!
It's amazing how great of a cure for caffeine starvation coffee is. I would like to take this time to inform you how great coffee is. Coffee is a versatile drink that you can enjoy hot or iced. You can put Baileys in it for your Gran, or drink it from tiny little shot glasses and pretend that its a regular sized coffee and you are a giant who just happens to be fueled by coffee.
Coffee makes you feel 100% of everything, double coffee makes you feel 200% of everything and so forth. Coffee contains caffeine which is what the allies defeated Hitler with probably and coffee is also the reason cows invented milk, otherwise we would have to drink it black and nobody likes black coffee (pending source checks but take my word for it).
Here is Craig Charles without coffee.
Here is Craig Charles with coffee.
I feel that makes my point for me.
If anyone is thinking my title of I WIN may seem a little misguided. Firstly I feel awesome again now except for the crushing monotony and loneliness of my life and secondly I have probably extended my lifespan by eight days, which is exactly the sort of result the evil health inspector lady would have wanted for me anyway.
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