I'm just trying to be healthy!!!
Remember how I posted the coffee scale and I was all like 'oh hey guys let's go drink a fuck tonne of coffee and get super buzzed until we can stop time and spit coffee grains from our ears!' Well, as totally harmless as all that sounded I have recently had a growing suspicion that my intake of caffeine may be at an unhealthy level.
The clues that pointed towards this included about as many trips to the toilet a day as Craig Charles has pictures drawn of him, as long as Craig Charles has a number of pictures drawn of him per day equal to about five times the average number of toilet trips per day (which he probably does). And whilst I do love going to the toilet of-course, it is the only sanctuary where I can draw up dastardly plans, this was growing tiresome.
What made me rather more concerned was my chest. I had a routine medical at my work, and the medical lady seemed confused when reading my heart rate. The sort of confusion where she may be wondering whether she had just monitored a human heart, or a PlayStation rumble pad (gamer audience outreach! BOOM).
She took a urine sample (which I could easily oblige) as she assumed I was on seventeen varieties of speed.
When it showed up clear she asked me if I had had any energy drinks that day.
I said "No. Just some coffee"
She asked how much coffee.
I said "......a lot?"
She asked how much that was.
"..... 7 cups?...."
"seven?"
"they're also big cups"
(I own a pint coffee mug that I got for free from somewhere. Real men drink everything in pints)
My answers cleared her suspicion that I was a speed addict, but her concern convinced me that I should at-least attempt to see what life would be like without caffeine. Which brings us to now.
I haven't had caffeine for three days and I think I am dying.
For anyone who thinks that caffeine is not addictive, I HATE YOU AND I WILL HUNT YOU WITH DOGS!..... ok I didn't mean that but you are most definitely mistaken. I can also confirm that there is a small possibility that I am one of the addicts.
I woke up on the first day without coffee with a crippling headache. I usually have headaches in the morning and it is usually a cup of coffee that makes them go away... it's astonishing I didn't connect the dots earlier.
My determination was strong to begin with, and I didn't let my crippling headache phase me for at least the first three hours. Thankfully after that time I had to go to work for eight hours, where I could do tedious repetitive manual tasks that require minimal brain function and, more importantly, have my access to coffee completely restricted.
It was in a headache daze, my body not understanding how a wake/sleep cycle functions without caffeine, that I survived my first two days.
I hadn't realized just how many different aspects of your body caffeine affects. Come the third day however, I noticed that it was not just my brain that was suffering.
I went to work on the third day and suddenly realized that my monotonous job of wrapping and moving many things had become infinitely more difficult. Every muscle and limb on my body felt as though it was now comprised primarily of concrete, and as concrete is rather heavy, this made every attempt at movement incredibly tiring. I spent the day shuffling around and leaning on things. It was too tiring to lift my feet as I move like normal coffee drinking people do. I'm not sure how I survived, eight hours is a long time to work anyway, but time in my caffeine zombie world had slowed considerably.
It is day four now. I know I said it was day three but I started writing this post and then got tired and shuffled off.
I don't know when this will end. I have read some discussions on caffeine withdrawal and people say it can take weeks! Weeks!
I don't know if I enough energy to keep shuffling to the fridge to sustain myself for weeks.
It's day five now... you see that up there. those three sentences between 'day four' and here... that's all I could be arsed to do yesterday. I'm not a terribly productive person when I'm not dying, but at this rate this may be the end of my blog and the majority of my bodily functions.
I'm rambling now. I would think of a good end to this but I'm too tired. I will write one if/when I survive and return to full mental capacity. It will probably have Craig Charles in it but I can't see how he is relevant right now.
That is all
Harry
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